My Dream, My Life

There's something very satisfying about realizing what you want to do with your life. The moment you feel and really know what you want, where you want to go and realize you're capable of achieving those dreams.

I have, for a very long time now, wanted to make a living as a writer. Not just a writer but an author. To write books and sell them and earn a living that way. For a very long time I didn't really do anything to bring myself closer to those dreams. I focused a lot on life, but I got caught up in all the "rules.". "Get a real job" and "make real money" and do something that's "worth your time"

I always had a problem with this and I still do. These statements and beliefs are hurtful. They tell me that my dreams aren't valid and that my time is worth more than what I want it to be.

But they're my dreams. The things I love and the things that make me happy. Isn't that worth my time?

When I was little I always had an answer to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

My answer changed several times, flip flopped back and forth a lot as well. Like many little boys I wanted to be a cop, a firefighter, a hero. When I was a little older I wanted to make movies or, still, be a cop. Then I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. (I quickly changed my mind.)

In junior high I started writing and I loved it. I never finished any of the books I started, but it was fun. I wrote and drew short comics and thought, I want to be a cartoonist. (I still wouldn't mind doing that)

In high school I really, truly started to love writing. Short stories, more beginnings of novels I never finished, a short script. I loved to write fiction. I hated writing essays and reports. Despite this I took a journalism class, hoping to improve my writing and learn more. I did.

The question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" was still asked. And it was asked more and more frequently during those years. After all, people were curious about what you were going to study in college, what you were going to make of your life.

I didn't have any plans for life, not really. I was a teenager, focused on getting my work done, writing fiction and songs, playing the guitar and playing videogames. That's all I was concerned about. I became very interested in film (again) and took several classes and worked on several projects with other students. Some of them incredibly gifted and far more driven than myself. They had a passion I lacked, an understanding of something I didn't get. They knew what they wanted or at least knew the direction they were headed.

I was all over the place. I liked everything, but I especially liked to create, though it would be years before I actually realized this. When I was asked what I wanted to be in high school, I had an answer. I wanted to write. I wanted to write books.

The response was always the same.

Ohh, good luck, or have you thought of anything else? or something along those lines. I knew a lot of kids who'd say doctor or lawyer or mechanic or anything else and they'd get smiles and "That's great," or "Excellent choice," or "You'll be very successful,"

Because of the responses to my answer, my answer changed.

I started saying I wanted to work in the film industry or be a musician because I enjoyed both film and music and apparently those were far more acceptable career choices than writing. (Though not as acceptable as, say, the medical field.) It was as if writing wasn't a real career, it was just the dream of someone who hadn't yet woken up to the real world. It was okay to strive to be a musician or filmmaker, but not an author. Never that.

There wasn't a whole lot of support for my dreams and so I kept them to myself.

As I'm sure you know, as a teenager you spend a lot of time soul searching (whether you realize it or not.) You're in a state of constant discovery, especially of self. It's why teenagers often struggle so much, because they're looking for who they are and what they want out of life while simaltaneously being told what's expected of them and how they should live it. It can be confusing.

It was for me.

As a result I was in a constant state of self doubt. My dreams and aspirations were looked down on or mocked and I questioned them often because of it. Were my dreams worth anything? Were they worth chasing? Worth working for?

I never really had an answer for myself. I always suspected that maybe they were just childish fantasies.

I was often jealous of people who had an answer to what they wanted from life, because I didn't know. Not really, not for sure.

Even after leaving high school I was bombarded by critical looks, questions and disbelief if I were to ever express my desire to make it as an author. From my employers to co workers and even friends. They were more supportive, in their own way, but it was often insincere. Polite, but hollow.

It took me a long time to finally decide, yes, this is what I want. Even after I did decide I was filled with doubt. What if all those naysayers are right? It wasn't until just recently that I truly realized that I'm capable of doing this. I can make money writing.

I am making money writing.

It isn't a lot and it isn't my fiction (not yet) but I can say I've been paid to write. Which is pretty cool (for me.) I'm working hard to improve my craft, everyday. Some days are easier than others, some are harder and there are days when I feel like curling up into a ball and hiding under a bed. But I'm working hard and, little by little, I'm seeing results.

Stephen King said, "If you write (or paint or dance or sculpt or sing, I suppose), someone will try and make you feel lousy about it, that's all."

It's a very true statement.

The incredible Amanda Palmer, during her TED talk earlier this year, talked about how people would yell at her to get a real job while she was performing as a human statue. She talked about how, even years later, there are people and comments that make her feel this way.

Being put down is a part of life, it shouldn't be, but it is. The key is to move past the words, the hurt and the self doubt they inspire. In the end you're the only person who will live your life. You have to do what you feel is best. If you have dreams, go for them. Shoot for the stars, the moon or the sun. Don't let the world tell you no.

I finally learned that for myself, it's something we all need to learn for ourselves.

So despite the bouts of doubt I still have. I'm pushing forward and I'm writing and I'm pretty happy about it.

I know what I want and I'm going to get it. Through hard work and determination and, hopefully, a little luck.

Do you have dreams that have been stepped on? Things you've wanted but found little support or help? If so, how did that make you feel? How have you dealt these things? Have you accomplished and achieved your own dreams? Are you still working for them? Or did you stop all together?