Where did the magic go?

A few short years ago this time of year filled me with excitement, joy and wonder. I loved Christmas and the holiday season and the way the world looked when covered in powdered snow and complimented by colored lights and the smell of pine. It was like magic. I could feel it deep down.

Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's the truth. There was always magic all around, all year long and I believed all one had to do was look. You could see it in the small and simple things. It was an appreciation of these things, a sort of gratitude towards the small and seemingly insignificant that added the finest details to life's tapestry.

But something changed in between then and now and I find myself wondering more and more often...

Where did the magic go?

Those small things have become harder to notice and truly see. The tiny miracles I enjoyed and pointed out to those close around me have all but disappeared from view.

I know they're still there, I can feel them, but not in the same way. It's a muted and dulled feeling that makes me ache for the one I can't seem to find anymore.

The past couple of years haven't been easy. I've had good times, but mostly bad. I feel like, looking back, I started lying to myself. Telling myself I was happy and where I was supposed to be, but deep down knowing the truth. None of it should have happened. I'd have been much happier, and would be much happier now, if I'd done what I knew I should have. Instead I contented myself and acclimated to my misery, telling myself I was happy all the while..

I guess you could say I have regrets. Not many, and ultimately, I don't think I'd have changed anything because despite all the hardship, drama and heartbreak. All the hurt, lies and denials. In the end, all those choices lead to my son.

I've made mistakes, done things I shouldn't have and because of this I feel, on an almost daily basis, that I'm pretty much just a screw up. I've become someone my younger self would have looked at cruelly and with disgust. I admit I had a problem with thinking I was better than other people. I'm not and life seems to have made a point of teaching me that. Or maybe it was just my self conscious. After all, everything that's happened has been a direct result of my own choices and actions.

But, even having become this person my younger self would have looked down on, I still have hope because when that little boy, my precious son, looks at me with nothing more than love in those little eyes of his, I think to myself, If this little child can love me, then I must be doing something right.

He gives me hope, and trust me when I say that hope is something I need.

Put bluntly, divorce sucks. Mine has been a mutual and very peaceful thing. My ex and I spoke and agreed on terms while I filled out the papers. We both agreed to the split, knowing it was for the best. Neither of us was happy and we both knew neither of us would be. We also knew it wasn't a good place to raise our son. We weren't violent, there wasn't any screaming or yelling or throwing things. It was quite the opposite. Quiet and silent as the grave. We just didn't speak, we grew distant and became strangers. When we did talk it was always to argue. Things became tense and we knew something had to change so we talked and finally admitted what needed to happen.

My divorce being a mutual thing doesn't make it suck any less. It's much simpler and a whole lot less ugly than it could have been, but even after five months it still hurts. Not that it ended that part, surprisingly, doesn't. I think it's because it ended long before we actually split.

What hurts is the loneliness.

And there's lots of it.

Sure, I have my family, who've been so kind, letting me move back in, rearranging bedrooms and even watching my son for me while I work. And then there's my son. If I didn't have him I honestly don't know where I'd be, he's kept me grounded and like I mentioned above, when I start getting a bit too down on myself he's always there to look me in the eye and prove that I've added something beautiful to the world. But, it isn't same as having a friend, a best friend, who's there for you. Who listens and knows everything. It's not having that that hurts.

I'll admit though that I've had that hurt for a very long time. My ex was never really like that, we were great friends but never truly best friends. I got by, pretending and lying to myself but I should have known better, we always get caught in the lie. I did and it was a tremendous heartbreak as the web I spun for myself came crashing down.

I could go on and maybe someday I will. It's a story I'll have to tell someone eventually, in its entirety, because I realize it's something I need to get off my chest. I doubt it will be on the blog though, it's pretty personal, but who knows. Maybe one day it won't bother me to share with the world.

The point I was getting at was, while I've had this hurt for such a long time, it's even more astute now because I don't have a way to pretend it's not there. That's probably good for me, but it doesn't make hurt any less.

The fact that I'm basically friendless (as in close friends), shy and socially awkward haven't helped all that much.

So five months after the split, I'm still lonely and hurting.

I've had a couple of people I know ask if I've started dating again. The answer is no, I haven't.

To be honest I don't really know how to go about it, not to mention I'm not sure I'm ready. Honestly I'm a little afraid I'll meet someone and want to go running into their arms which I don't want to happen, because it'd probably be a mistake and I don't want to screw up my life any more than I already have.

Not to mention the whole, I'm still technically married thing. I'm not really sure how that part works. How long before it's acceptable to date? I guess that's kind of personal though, right? Does it really matter?
My ex has been seeing someone for about a month now and while she's had some grief from some people I don't mind so long as my son is safe.

The fact that several of these people (the ones who've asked if I've started dating yet) seem to have differing opinions on whether or not I should start, seems to confirm the suspicion that it's more of a personal choice.

I guess the answer for me is it'll happen when it happens, maybe next week or maybe years from now. I figure it'll happen eventually, for now I'm just trying to get my life together. Reconnect with some great people from my past and find that magic that's missing.

This post kind of got away from me. It was supposed to be about the magic and joy of life, especially during this time of year. I've lost sight of it and only feel it in muffled, dying dribbles. Everything I talked about above, I'm sure, has attributed to the loss of magic in my life. I'm sure there's more to it as well, but I know it's there I just have to find it again. I think when I do, I'll find that it corresponds quite a bit with just how happy I am in life.

So, I guess I'll just keep moving forward and getting my life put back together. Eventually, I'll get there.

P.S. - I've recently decided to do my best to focus on the positives in life. It's easy to by negative and easily turns into a downward spiral. So I'm doing my best to avoid complaining and just feel grateful. (I have yet to successfully go a full day, but I'm getting there) This post focused on a lot of the bad in my life recently, but it's was thearaputic to write so we'll say it balanced out.

Why don't you join me, make a goal of going one full day without complaining once, about anything! See how goes!