Marriage Advice?

 

The other night my wife and I were eating out with family and friends. We sat at a table with her younger brother and his fiancé. I had gotten up to grab something and when I got back to the table I found my wife talking about marriage advice and she asked if I had any for the soon to be newly weds. My response to this question is almost always the same and has a tendency to be given by a lot of other people as well, right along with "Don't go to bed mad." My answer was 'communication' and that was it.

The two nodded and agreed, my brother in law made a small noise that was both acknowledging and dismissive. It was something they'd heard before, several times I'm sure, but I hope it's also something that they've taken to heart. It's something I've been thinking about since.  

It's hard to really understand what 'communication' means until you're truly married and living with one another. I know the two of them have a better understanding than most, both of them having served missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, during which time (a year and half for women and two years for men) you are constantly accompanied by another individual, your companion. You do not choose your companion, sometimes the two of you hit it off and become fast friends, other times you learn to love one another and become friends, sometimes you just tolerate one another and other times it's incredibly difficult not to hate your companion. On the mission you learn many things, communication is a big one. When you are constantly paired together and always at each other's side, except perhaps for the bathroom (and sometimes even then) you quickly learn to live together, whether you love each other or hate each other. You learn to communicate and as you do you begin to understand the other person.  

My brother in law and (soon to be) sister in law have both been through this and I know for certain that they have learned a thing or two about communicating. But the mission is not marriage, and the companions you learn and teach alongside are temporary. On the mission, whether you like the person or not, your time together will come to an end. Getting married however, is for keeps. That's the whole idea, it isn't a temporary thing. Nobody goes into marriage expecting to get divorced later on. Does it happen? Yes, somewhat frequently in our society. Divorce is becoming more and more a normal part of the world. Why? People don't communicate anymore. It isn't the only reason divorce happens, but it's a big one. I know, I've been there.  

My ex-wife and I started out as pretty good friends, we got along really well and for the most part still do. Thankfully, we've had a very civil experience so far and I'm really happy about that for Bootstrap's sake. My marriage didn't have the communication it needed, it wasn't the only reason we eventually divorced, but it was, as I've stated, a big one and the lack of it only served to exponentially increase and multiply other issues.  Like Simon & Garfunkel so wisely stated, "Silence like a cancer grows," I can't begin to express the truth behind that sentence in a relationship like marriage. I've seen silence grow like a cancer. It grows quickly, invasive, it infests everything and then makes it all fester.    

So do I have any marriage advice? Yes, communicate. Talk to each other. Trust one another. You're getting married, or got married, for a reason. Because you love each other, because you wanted to spend the rest of forever together. Don't forget that. Don't let your pride, or fear of what your spouse might think, get in the way of having open and honest conversations with one another. You love each other and will continue to love each other and as you talk and communicate and share your fears and dreams and build one another up and work together to get through the hard times you'll grow together. Your love will grow in leaps and bounds. If something bothers you, if you're hurt or concerned or have something on your mind, bring it up and talk about it. Don't keep things bottled up, especially the fears and frustrations. Listen and talk about what can be done and then do it. I've seen what comes of silence in a relationship, I've lived it. I watched as my first wife and I drifted apart and became strangers. Remember when I said we started as good friends? That's what silence, or a lack of communication, does; it makes strangers of the people closest to you.  

Communicating isn't always easy, sometimes it can be, but sometimes it will feel like the hardest thing you've done. It will lighten your burdens though, ease the fears and frustrations and prevent and solve problems or issues that have or could have arisen.  

Some other bits of advice, forgive and ask forgiveness. Even if you don't feel you were in the wrong (even if you know you were right) set aside your pride and apologize. That may sound strange, but I guarantee amazing things will come of this. Sometimes someone just needs to take the first step and everything else will follow.  

My last piece of advice to anyone getting married, or newly wed, is to love. That might sound stupid, but it's true. It's too easy to get caught up in life, days can go by without ever uttering the word. Don't let that happen. Love always and forever.  Don't take that love for granted, if your spouse already knows you love them, tell them again anyway. Say it out loud, show it and live it every day, in everything you do.  

I'm incredibly lucky and blessed to be where I am now, married to my best and oldest friend. I'm even more lucky that she shares the understanding of how important communication is to our lives and our happiness. I look forward to the many years I get to share with her and the many opportunities that we'll be able to take advantage of to speak and communicate with one another and the growth that will bring to us both.  

Communicate. Forgive. Love.  

I'm sure there are many other valuable pieces of advice you can find, some of it may conflict with other pieces. That's because everyone is different and everyone learns to live in different ways, but I think those three things are a pretty big, broad and general. There are as many ways to do these things as there are people. You'll learn your own way, as an individual and as a couple and together you'll improve them as you grow.