Babies and Toddlers and Family

Babies are hard.

They're adorably tiny little helpless humans which are sometimes covered in hair and sometimes not. In our case there's hair, a lot of it. It's that newborn hair that feels as soft as some animal's fur and which won't last long, much to Mushu's relief I imagine since it covers his ears, shoulders and forehead. It's cute now but, it probably wouldn't be years from now.

With this newest addition to the family comes the reminder that there's very little babies can do for themselves. It sounds stupidly obvious and it is, but you don't really realize how much work it is until you have to do it. Even when you've had one kid already you tend to forget things. You may remember many things, sure, but you forget things, too. Namely how hard things can be, especially when you've had no sleep and you can't get the kid to stop screaming or fussing.

Ours is quite fussy at night and this is why I'm awake and writing right now. At least, that's part it. I took him from my wife so she can sleep at least a little before he wakes up hungry again. He nodded off after I walked around with him for a few minutes so I made my way to Bootstrap's bedroom where the rocking recliner has made it's home. It seems Mushu needs to be moved in order to sleep, or at least it seems to help, which was true for Bootstrap also when he was smaller (it was he who dubbed his little brother Mushu, much to his mother's chagrin) I remember I spent near every night with him next to me and I would rock him every few minutes until he fell back to sleep. I'm sure some nights it only felt that way, I'm also sure some nights were exactly that. So it was until he learned to sleep in his crib. I'll be happy once Mushu hits that point as well, even if my wife is the one who ends up awake all night with him. Actually scratch that, especially since my wife is the one who stays up all night with him. I love my wife, I want her well slept and well rested because that's what she wants (and she's nicer that way. *wink**wink*)

I am both impressed and surprised that Mushu actually fell asleep and seems to be staying that way. Also grateful. I told my wife I wasn't tired because I drank caffeine awhile ago but that's both truth and lie. I am tired, but I won't fall asleep. I'm a bit sensitive to caffeine, especially if I don't drink it often and I can proudly say I don't. But that doesn't mean I'm not tired. I'm happy to be helping though, I know my wife is exhausted and she deserves sleep. Babies are hard.

She'll roll her eyes when she reads this because in all honesty she does all the heavy lifting (figuratively speaking of course, she had a c-section and isn't allowed to lift heavy things) she's a super woman, no doubt about it (all moms are) and I'm very proud of her. It's blatantly obvious that little Mushu loves and adores her and her feelings are mutual. I love them both. And our little Bootstrap, too. He's struggling a little, but loves his little brother very much. He has such a big heart for such a little guy and he's so independent, at times frustratingly so, toddlers are hard, too. There's rarely a day that goes by though when he does not impress me, teach me, show me new wonders or remind me of wonders long forgotten. To see the world through his eyes is magic. I'm excited to see it through Mushu's.

I'm excited for the adventures the two of them will have and the friendship they'll share. I know they won't always act like friends and there will be fights and moments they hate each other, but they'll always be brothers. Bootstrap loves Mushu and Mushu loves Bootstrap. He can't say so, not yet, but he lights up and smiles when I talk to him about his big brother (it could, I'll admit, just be gas, but I doubt it.)

I'm so grateful for them both, and for my wife as well, they remind me there's still beauty in the world. Still magic. Still love. And right now those kind of reminders are the best of all.

Lazy Sundays are the Best Sundays (and a Cute Kitten)

TRUTH - too bad I suck at naps

It's been a few weeks since I last blogged. I think it's safe to say no one is surprised.

I have, however, been writing. At least over this last week. I've had an idea knocking around my head for awhile now and I'm finally beginning to see what the overall arch will be, it's quite a bit different from the initial idea and I imagine it will only continue to change and grow as I continue to write it.

I've set a goal for myself for a certain word count each day and have yet to actually reach it. Right now it's more a goal I'm working towards than one I expect to meet each day. I used to be able to belt out a nice word count each day within about a two hour period. I'm not even close to reaching that again, but I know I'll get there so long as I keep writing. I'm just out of practice.

It's a bit of a lazy Sunday today, which is more than perfectly acceptable for me. Most Sundays we're out visiting family, which I enjoy and love doing, but it's always nice to have a day to relax and do nothing with my wife and son (one of them is watching Tinkerbell while the other naps, I'll let you decide who's doing what), especially when it happens to be the only day off during the weekend.

I'll write more later. There are other things I've been thinking about and would like to put into word, but not in this post, and not today (probably). I just wanted to get a post out since it's been such a long time.

For now I'm off to cook breakfast burritos for dinner and possibly enjoy a movie with the family after that.

More later.

PS - Here's a cute kitten, napping, because the internet and why not.

Quick Post - An update

I'm writing this on my wife's kindle. It's an older model and only has an onscreen keyboard. Not that that's a problem.

I've written several things, including a few blog posts from my phone, which is a lot smaller. I'm used to my phone though, accustomed to it and I feel a bit clunky and awkward here so it's taking me a little longer to write.

I don't have much experience using any type of tablet, which may sound strange to most seeing as how utilized just about everywhere these days by everyone. I've wanted to get one for sometime, but could never justify forking over the cash. My wife has had this kindle since before we started dating and I never really played on it or tried to use it until now.

I like it, but I feel like if I were to get one I'd want it to be just a bit larger because I'd probably be getting it primarily to write while I wasn't home. Something smaller than a laptop with a decent battery life and a keyboard. I used to have a netbook until early this year when it met an unfortunate end. I don't think I'd redo it. We recently purchased a computer, which is part of why I started blogging again, and I really like it, but I can't take it with me to write other places and I feel other places is where I do my best, or most productive, writing.

I can write here at home and often do, but I'm also easily distracted by things in the house so something I could take with me would be great. For now, however, I'll make do with what I have and be grateful for it. After all, it's more than what many others have.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I expect I'll be writing about it here within the coming days. It may actually be something interesting. Maybe even something that's worth reading. I don't know. We'll have see.

I believe I mentioned in my previous post that I had submitted a short story to an online literary magazine. Late last night I received a response. A form letter, the story was rejected. To be honest I wasn't expecting such a quick response, I've submitted a handful of stories in the past to different magazines and had to wait weeks to months in some cases to hear back. This was less than a week. I'm actually impressed at how quickly I received my response.  

What I did expect was the rejection, and while it is always disappointing to be rejected, I am excited to keep moving forward and continue submitting stories for publication. 

It'll happen someday, until then, I'll just keep writing. 

Be seeing you.

Sick Holidays and Getting Better

This past weekend was a bit of a bust.

I'd been planning for quite some time on going out of town and enjoying the three day weekend with family. Instead, I spent most of the weekend in bed, somewhere between almost conscious and zombie. Some time mid last week I got hit by a bus of a bug and from one day to the next I found I couldn't breathe, my head felt like an over filled balloon and I had a fever that came and went like the wind. My throat felt like I'd unsuccessfully attempted to swallow hot coals and somewhere between the body aches and the teary eyes caused by fist sized balls of phlegm I coughed up and then gagged on because, of course, they didn't want to let go of the back of my throat, I found that, once again natural, herbal remedies are awesome and nothing beats NyQuil for an entire nights sleep. 

But during those few days of bedridden misery, in which I filled the hours watching social media like a silent creeper (but doesn't everybody) and watching westerns on Netflix (Django, The Homesman and Shane), I did not forget about this blog. I even attempted several times to write something for Sunday and never managed anything all that coherent, but I did feel guilty. While I'm aware that not many people read this blog and the only person who does so regularly is probably my wife (bless her soul, I've managed to convince her I'm somewhat talented at writing, I hope she never wises up to the fact that I'm just making stuff up) I did promise to update at least once weekly. That wasn't necessarily a promise just for whatever readers I may or may not have, but was, in fact, more a promise to myself. I want to write. I enjoy writing and this past year I've spent far more time thinking, reading and listening about writing than I have spent time actually writing. Which doesn't make sense. If I want to write, then I need to write. And so this promise to keep updating this blog is a promise to myself to take time to write.

And so here I am, writing for me. And for you, if you want to read it.

I'm finally getting over the sick, now that this holiday weekend has passed and I'm trying to catch up on things. Set goals for myself and plan for the future. There's a baby on the way, there are student loans that need paid and budgets that need updating. There are things that need to be bought, to be fixed and to be put away. There's so much to do and sometimes it can feel overwhelming and I think we, as people, often forget the most important things in life because of the things that life demands. And so while I will definitely work on those things that need doing, I will also strive to remember the most important thing. And that's to live life. Family, friends and dreams.

Which brings me to this, as you may know, or have probably guessed, one of my dreams is to be a professional writer, preferably an author of fiction. I have, in the past, submitted short stories to literary magazines, but it's been a long time since I've done so. Today I submitted a newer story to an online fiction magazine. I don't expect it to be picked up, but I'm proud that I submitted it. I'll be submitting more in the future. 

Until next time.

Sunday Post!

Whoever said there's no post on Sunday?

I promised to have another post up today and so here it is in all its glorious, mundane normalcy. I'm not writing anything today, not really. (Aside from this blog). It's a lazy sort of Sunday. Except I'm at work. So it isn't.

But it will be, I hope. It was an early morning and a restless night filled with strange dreams I don't quite remember anymore. I'm tired and want a nap, even though I know a nap will ruin my chances for a good night's sleep tonight. Though a good night's sleep isn't guaranteed if I don't nap. Difficult decision, I know.

On a different note, and as mentioned in my previous post.

I'm writing again!

It feels wonderful. I'm currently working on a project in a medium I have very little experience working in, but I'm having fun doing it. It's nice to see ideas being set down on a page, some of them are starting to connect while others are changing and growing in their own way. There are also other ideas that are worlds apart, new ideas for short stories and novels and I'm jotting them down and hoping someday I'll get to write them and wishing I could write and work on several projects all at once, but for the moment I'll just stick to one.

I'm afraid if I try to do more than that my brain might break and that just sounds unpleasant.

I'm hoping to get this current project up and running soon. It'll be made available to anyone and everyone who has access to the internet and I'm excited to put it out there. There will be more on this later.

For now, it's back to work and then, maybe a nap.

Life, Time & Writing: A Rather Long, Rambling Post

I'm not very good at blogging am I?

I keep meaning to and then.. well, I just don't. It just doesn't happen and not because I secretly don't want to, because I really do. So I suppose the question is, why don't I? Why haven't I been blogging? Or.. really writing at all for that matter? There isn't a lot I've done in the past year to further my dreams and aspirations.

There are a few reasons.

Or maybe I should say excuses... Let me explain.

I think some of the biggest hurdles I deal with have to do with time; how I think I should use it and how others think I should use it. Also, how I think others think I should use it and how I actually do use it.

When you get right down to it, in a way, I feel guilty. It takes time to write and that time isn't all spent doing actual writing, sometimes you just stare out a window or at the wall or across space and time and what you're actually doing is thinking, daydreaming and imagining. Which are important things for writing, but there isn't a whole lot you get to show for it when you're done a few hours later and all you've written is a single sentence, or paragraph, or page. Sometimes you may still find a blank screen. White and desolate.

I feel like it's hard for people to take someone seriously if they describe themselves as a writer, especially if they know you and are familiar with your life and responsibilities and I feel like they judge and think, shouldn't he spend more time doing this or that. Isn't he wasting his time? Aren't there more important things he should focus on? And I really shouldn't care whether they do or not, but a part of me does because a part of me wonders and worries about those same things.

My family and I recently moved and we aren't yet unpacked. Laundry needs doing. Food needs cooking and the house needs cleaning. Aren't those things important? More importantly, I have my son, little three year old Bootstrap, who's growing up so fast and a beautiful wife who's about six months pregnant with a fast approaching little brother for Bootstrap to play and fight with, and protect. Wouldn't my time be better spent with them? Instead of writing and doodling and dreaming?

For the longest time I always used to say, "I wish I had more time," or, "I don't have enough time," but that really isn't the case, is it?

I mean, don't we all have the same number of hours in the day?

It wasn't until this last February that it became clear to me that time was not the issue. I had the opportunity, along with a small group of people, to sit in a private setting at LTUE with Dan Wells, an author who's works I really enjoy. One of the people there asked him how he manages his time, looking for insight into how to better structure one's day to be able to write more. His answer was a light bulb going off.

He said it wasn't about time, but priorities and pointed out that anytime you choose to do something you're making it the number one priority at that moment. If you have things that need doing, but choose to watch Netflix or surf Facebook instead, you're making those things a priority over what needs doing.

This is not a novel idea. It's simple, straightforward and honest. It's also something I think most people have never really thought of before and struggle with. I know I hadn't and that I have struggled with it since. His answer has stuck with me and I've pondered over it many times. Not just in regards to writing, but all aspects of my life. What was I going to make a priority? What was I already making a priority?

This led me to some interesting, and somewhat painful, self discoveries. I wasn't watching a lot of TV  at the time and have since watched less and less, not entirely because of this, but in part. I argued that nothing should come above my family and still believe this, but I've started interpreting this a little different within the past couple weeks.

My daily routine over this past year has gone something like this..

I work an early shift. Five in the morning to one-thirty in the afternoon. Then I'd pick up my son from whoever was watching him for the day and head home where I'd spend the next several hours with him before starting dinner (if I actually cooked, we used to eat out way more than we should have), he'd go to bed and then I'd watch an episode or two of some show with my wife, or we'd play on our phones surfing Facebook and reading blogs before going to bed ourselves.

As I examined that routine and berated myself for thinking maybe I should sacrifice some of that family time to write I realized that not much of that time was actually meaningful. It wasn't quality time, it was just being in the same house and sometimes the same room as each other while the TV entertained Bootstrap and Facebook, news articles and blog posts distracted me. Not all of my time was spent like this, but more than I'm happy to admit. 

And so I've come to the decision to make other things a priority. During the day, between the time I get home after work and the time my wife gets home from work I'll be focusing on my art as best as I can. This includes my writing, my music and my drawing, as well as any other art inspired thing I dream up. Mostly, however, this time will be dedicated to my stories. I have so many I want to tell and in so many different ways. I'm excited to work on them.

Then it will be family time. Not much. We tend to go to bed early, as I get up well before the sun and my wife is pregnant and thus, is always tired. But I'll strive to make those hours of much better quality. Weekends will be similar, I hope. Family activities that bring us closer together. 

A part of me still feels guilty about the decision, but I'm hoping the better quality time will help. I'm also telling myself that if writing is something I want to do for a living I should treat it like a job. After all, I go to work to support my family and don't feel nearly as guilty about that, so if I'm serious about trying to make a living through writing, shouldn't I take the time to write? Which is something my wife has been saying for months now.

These are very recent decisions that have taken me a lot longer to come to than they probably should have, I'm not certain how they'll go or how well I'll do but I'm fairly confident in my decisions and am ignoring the usual self doubts. 

On top of all this I also hope to start updating this blog more frequently, once a week I think. Probably Sunday's and possibly once more during the week every now and then. We'll see. My track record with this blog is not all that impressive but hopefully I'll change that. 

For those who read all of this, thank you and keep an eye out for future posts.