Stress, Unemployment but mostly an apology

The last several months have been exceedingly stressful. I was fired for missing work when my wife was in the hospital and I had no one to watch my son. I started looking for a job and still haven't found one. I ended up applying for unemployment because if I didn't my family would have to leave our home. My wife applied for food stamps which is really the only thing that has allowed us to eat the last several months.

I can't tell you how stressful being jobless is, many of us in today's society understand the feeling, having been there, but if you haven't it isn't something I'd recommend. As the days go by it gets harder, being turned down and ignored by most places of business is discouraging and if you don't keep yourself busy everyday you start to slip downward into a strangely shaped rut and depression starts pressing in (not clinical depression, though if you do have that being jobless doesn't help.)

It's a weight that presses down on you, especially if you're expected to be the bread winner of the household, and though roles are changing quickly, men tend to fall under that expectancy. Of course, being a man, I also feel the need to go out and work and support my family. I'm married to my best friend and an absolutely beautiful woman and together we have the most amazing little boy (I know, every parent says that about their own kids and there's a reason for that, a reason you'll only understand if you actually have a child because really there's no way to explain the magic, wonder and love that comes from watching your child grow up and learn). I feel a need to provide for them, support them and protect them.

We live in a basement apartment, my wife exchanges her nanny services for the greater part of our rent and until just recently, the unemployment I was receiving covered the rest, but the money I qualified for ran out, I'm still out of a job and still need to pay rent. I'm stressed, job hunting is so time consuming that when you don't hear back from anybody at all it fills you with doubts, about yourself, about whether it's worth the investment (of course it is, you need income to live, not just survive). I'm so very grateful for my wife and all she does and for the time that I've had with my son, who just turned nine months. I've formed a bond with him I hadn't had time for while working and have watched him grow, he sits up and crawls and walks along the furniture, he's getting to the point where he's starting to figure out how to stand up by himself and if he's there he doesn't need to hold on to anything while he does it. I've been able to see him learn all this and it's amazing.

It's stressful too.

I never understood just how hard and tiring being a parent is, even with just one. They demand attention, need to be fed, changed and put down for naps. You need to play with them, spend time with them and love them. Sometimes it's all very easy, but even at the end of an easy day you're exhausted.

Then there are the stresses of everyday life, everything just piles on top of the other and before you know it you just can't handle anymore and you find your patience has run thin. That happened to me today and I took my frustrations out on the one person in this world that matters and I'm sorry, and doubly sorry because today is the one day that I should have done everything I could to make special.

It's my anniversary and I'm very sorry. I love my wife more than she'll ever truly understand and I'm so proud of her and everything she has accomplished and overcome. She deserves to be happy more than anybody I've ever met. I didn't help much with that tonight. She's a beautiful woman, a loving mother and a stupendous wife and I couldn't ask for a better friend.

I'm sorry for everything, if I could take back the words I would. But words spoken can't be taken back, so I'll be sure to speak more carefully in the future.

I love you very much, Ashley.

Happy Anniversary.

The Bad Bug, Short Stories and a Beta Read

Confession time! This last week was not good for my goals.. any of them. Not for lack of wanting to do them, I would have loved to have gone running everyday and worked on my WIP.

Late Monday night I started feeling ill, my stomach was upset and I had a headache. I woke around 3 in the morning and vomited several times (not sure I'll ever like chili again), I didn't feel good the rest the week, yesterday was the first day my stomach decided not to gurgle and roll like a storm tossed sea.

So I got very little writing done and even less exercise, but tomorrow is the beginning of a new week and I'll be back at it (at least I'm doing the blog on time this week).

I've sent out a couple more of my short stories for submissions and have another I'm in the process of writing, once finished I'll be submitting it to Clarkesworld Magazine, keeping my fingers crossed and looking at others that may be interested in my shorts.

Despite this last week, my WIP is coming along nicely and I decided to finally set down a goal for when I want to be finished writing and start the first draft of revisions, a deadline if you will (for myself). I'm aiming for Feb 12th, just a few days before LTUE (which I wish could attend, there's always next year). After that I'll find a couple poor souls willing to read it and give me some feedback.

On that note, I volunteered to beta read The Sometimes Sword by Trevor Green, you can find out more and see what he's up to on his blog beyonddragonsandwizards.blogspot.com. It's a great blog about his going ons, thoughts and goals as he himself works on making his dreams a reality. As far as his manuscript (and I'm sorry Trevor) I only recently started reading it but have quickly been pulled in (I promise to get some feedback to you this week!!)

How are your goals coming along? Have you had any speed bumps in your efforts? Are you helping others live up to their goals? Or accomplish their dreams?

Yesterdays Post, Today

I missed writing this yesterday and I won't say it's not entirely my fault, but between a sick puking baby boy and the video game my wife and I are currently playing, it was very late before I even realized it.

So, I'm trying to make up for it by writing this today while I watch my son, who seems to be feeling better and who keeps disappearing down the hall to the bedroom where his mom is trying to sleep.

I'm doing well with my goals, especially writing on a daily basis and while I still haven't managed to hit my daily word count, the consistency of writing everyday has made it easier to write and I've managed to write more and more in the small amount of time I find during the day to do so.

William has just gone down for a nap and drank most of his bottle, I'm hoping he keeps it down and stays asleep for a good long while. I'm very tempted to go crawl back into my nice warm bed next to my still sleeping wife. I won't though, I promised myself I'd start getting up early and taking care of my daily goals first thing, so I'll be on the treadmill soon and then writing after a nice shower.

How have you fared with your own goals for this year? Are they coming along? Are you struggling? Is there anything that helps you met them?

New Year

When was my last post? Oh yeah, in Octob-..

Oops!

Not surprising I'm sure. Now on to business.

A new year! Which means new opportunities, new adventures and new goals. Yup, I'm jumping on that bandwagon folks! Grumble if you will, cheer me if you must, but I've got me a few resolutions.

Though, I'll call them goals because, well, resolution just seems to have become a negative thing, hasn't it? When you say you have a new year's resolution (or resolutions) no one believes you'll follow through, or at least not for long. I intend to meet my goals, and if possible (and where plausible) exceed them. I'd also like to share them with you, so someone else out there knows.

First off, I want to get healthy (no, I don't mean lose weight, though that'll probably happen, I mean get healthy. Eat right, exercise and all that)

• 40 minutes of cardio 5x/week
• Many much more vegetables, less meat
• No preprepared/junk food (I'm sure I'll have a cheat day now and then)

Also I intend to do more to actively follow my dreams, namely

• Write daily. 2k words Mon-Sat and a blog entry each Sun (we'll get to see each other more often! Isn't that exciting! ... *ahem* Uh, let's ignore that shall we?)
• Actively submit my short stories to lit mags; online and print
• Finish and query at least two novels
• At least start a third
• Read 30 books

I'd really like to become more active in the writing community as well, via social media and in person where possible. I'd love to attend both LTUE and CONduit, though the first probably won't happen. No job, no money and it's in the middle of next month. (Also, find a job, get interviewed, get hired.. but that goes without saying)

Anywho, those are my goals for this year. At least the ones I remember at the moment, which are also the ones I had the presence of mind to write down. Writing them down helps. I'm sure there are more, or will be, but for now these are the things I intend to work on this year.

I hope you all have a great year, that you do something, many somethings. That you take risks, make mistakes and learn and grow and create.

Until next week, enjoy my very favorite new year's wish

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

 

-Neil Gaiman

 

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2011/12/my-new-year-wish.html