I'm not very good at blogging am I?
I keep meaning to and then.. well, I just don't. It just doesn't happen and not because I secretly don't want to, because I really do. So I suppose the question is, why don't I? Why haven't I been blogging? Or.. really writing at all for that matter? There isn't a lot I've done in the past year to further my dreams and aspirations.
There are a few reasons.
Or maybe I should say excuses... Let me explain.
I think some of the biggest hurdles I deal with have to do with time; how I think I should use it and how others think I should use it. Also, how I think others think I should use it and how I actually do use it.
When you get right down to it, in a way, I feel guilty. It takes time to write and that time isn't all spent doing actual writing, sometimes you just stare out a window or at the wall or across space and time and what you're actually doing is thinking, daydreaming and imagining. Which are important things for writing, but there isn't a whole lot you get to show for it when you're done a few hours later and all you've written is a single sentence, or paragraph, or page. Sometimes you may still find a blank screen. White and desolate.
I feel like it's hard for people to take someone seriously if they describe themselves as a writer, especially if they know you and are familiar with your life and responsibilities and I feel like they judge and think, shouldn't he spend more time doing this or that. Isn't he wasting his time? Aren't there more important things he should focus on? And I really shouldn't care whether they do or not, but a part of me does because a part of me wonders and worries about those same things.
My family and I recently moved and we aren't yet unpacked. Laundry needs doing. Food needs cooking and the house needs cleaning. Aren't those things important? More importantly, I have my son, little three year old Bootstrap, who's growing up so fast and a beautiful wife who's about six months pregnant with a fast approaching little brother for Bootstrap to play and fight with, and protect. Wouldn't my time be better spent with them? Instead of writing and doodling and dreaming?
For the longest time I always used to say, "I wish I had more time," or, "I don't have enough time," but that really isn't the case, is it?
I mean, don't we all have the same number of hours in the day?
It wasn't until this last February that it became clear to me that time was not the issue. I had the opportunity, along with a small group of people, to sit in a private setting at LTUE with Dan Wells, an author who's works I really enjoy. One of the people there asked him how he manages his time, looking for insight into how to better structure one's day to be able to write more. His answer was a light bulb going off.
He said it wasn't about time, but priorities and pointed out that anytime you choose to do something you're making it the number one priority at that moment. If you have things that need doing, but choose to watch Netflix or surf Facebook instead, you're making those things a priority over what needs doing.
This is not a novel idea. It's simple, straightforward and honest. It's also something I think most people have never really thought of before and struggle with. I know I hadn't and that I have struggled with it since. His answer has stuck with me and I've pondered over it many times. Not just in regards to writing, but all aspects of my life. What was I going to make a priority? What was I already making a priority?
This led me to some interesting, and somewhat painful, self discoveries. I wasn't watching a lot of TV at the time and have since watched less and less, not entirely because of this, but in part. I argued that nothing should come above my family and still believe this, but I've started interpreting this a little different within the past couple weeks.
My daily routine over this past year has gone something like this..
I work an early shift. Five in the morning to one-thirty in the afternoon. Then I'd pick up my son from whoever was watching him for the day and head home where I'd spend the next several hours with him before starting dinner (if I actually cooked, we used to eat out way more than we should have), he'd go to bed and then I'd watch an episode or two of some show with my wife, or we'd play on our phones surfing Facebook and reading blogs before going to bed ourselves.
As I examined that routine and berated myself for thinking maybe I should sacrifice some of that family time to write I realized that not much of that time was actually meaningful. It wasn't quality time, it was just being in the same house and sometimes the same room as each other while the TV entertained Bootstrap and Facebook, news articles and blog posts distracted me. Not all of my time was spent like this, but more than I'm happy to admit.
And so I've come to the decision to make other things a priority. During the day, between the time I get home after work and the time my wife gets home from work I'll be focusing on my art as best as I can. This includes my writing, my music and my drawing, as well as any other art inspired thing I dream up. Mostly, however, this time will be dedicated to my stories. I have so many I want to tell and in so many different ways. I'm excited to work on them.
Then it will be family time. Not much. We tend to go to bed early, as I get up well before the sun and my wife is pregnant and thus, is always tired. But I'll strive to make those hours of much better quality. Weekends will be similar, I hope. Family activities that bring us closer together.
A part of me still feels guilty about the decision, but I'm hoping the better quality time will help. I'm also telling myself that if writing is something I want to do for a living I should treat it like a job. After all, I go to work to support my family and don't feel nearly as guilty about that, so if I'm serious about trying to make a living through writing, shouldn't I take the time to write? Which is something my wife has been saying for months now.
These are very recent decisions that have taken me a lot longer to come to than they probably should have, I'm not certain how they'll go or how well I'll do but I'm fairly confident in my decisions and am ignoring the usual self doubts.
On top of all this I also hope to start updating this blog more frequently, once a week I think. Probably Sunday's and possibly once more during the week every now and then. We'll see. My track record with this blog is not all that impressive but hopefully I'll change that.
For those who read all of this, thank you and keep an eye out for future posts.
