Today was really hard.
Last night I revisited some particularly painful memories, the most painful I have actually and reliving those moments was incredibly hard and almost unbearably painful for me. Over the years I've become accustomed to all the pain, sorrow and regret from those experiences and learned to push them away and ignore them. You could say I bottled them up, as I'm prone to do with most of my emotions, and then left them someplace dark and buried so as to forget them.
The problem with this is that those things start to fester and stink. You never forget about them, not really, you just push them down and away and then pretend they aren't really there.
Well, last night I opened up that bottle and dumped its contents out all over the place. It stunk and stung and hurt a lot. Lots of old wounds that never healed were split wide and I was forced to deal with those things all over again.
These aren't things I really ever discuss with anybody. Those experiences are so personal, private and painful that I can literally count the number of people I've talked to about them on one hand. So reliving those moments, and everything that came after, hurt a lot.
I went to bed last night tossing and turning and unable to sleep. I felt like I'd dumped my personal demons all over and then left them to play. Nothing was resolved. It was all wide open and staring me in the face. I was filled with thoughts that wouldn't go away and ultimately didn't get much sleep.
Today, not surprisingly, my biggest emotions were fear, sorrow, regret and pain. They all warred and fought for the top spot and it was hard and emotionally exhausting as I went through it all over and over and over again.
There were a couple moments of the everyday that managed to distract me and pick me up. I even laughed a few times.
Tonight, everything got infinitely better. I had a wonderful conversation with an even more wonderful friend and together we were able to talk through a lot of these raging emotions and worries I've had and for the very first time I was told I was a good person and that I deserved to be happy by someone who actually meant it in a way that wasn't generic, bottled or prepackaged or self serving. It was a genuine statement filled with a love I've never experienced before and for the first time in a long time I actually believed it.
The last day or so have not been easy, but I feel like they were good for me. I've talked a little about this in an earlier post, but for years now I've struggled to find the magic I used to see in the everyday. Tonight I feel like I got a small piece of that back due to the kindness and love of someone truly amazing.
I don't know that I'll ever stop hurting or that the regrets will ever truly fade away, but tonight someone actually made me feel like maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. That maybe, just maybe, I do deserve to be happy. Truly happy.
I don't know about any of you, but that's a feeling I wouldn't trade for the world.
