Friendship, Myself and Regret

Over the past few months I have often found myself looking back on life. Not so much on events, experiences or missed opportunities, as on the people who I've had the honor of meeting, getting to know and in some cases, having the privilege of becoming their friend.

As I looked back at these people who've left their footprints in my soul, I wondered why they're no longer a part of my life. The answer was blatantly obvious, even as the question was formed. The reason why I don't have them anymore is because of me.

For those who don't know me, I'm not a very social person. In fact, the words: anti-social, introvert and socially retarded are all very acute and accurate descriptions of who, and how, I am. I've been told by many people that they were a little intimidated by me at first because I looked angry or upset. I'll admit that I have my bad days, as does everyone, and if I haven't had any food in me for awhile then I do get irritable, but more often than not, I'm actually quite happy.

I'm just quiet. I'm not good at small talk because for some reason my brain just doesn't grasp the concept, if I don't have something to say, something to contribute to the conversation, then I won't say anything. I won't leave your small talk question unanswered (unless I'm spaced out and don't hear it, several of my family members suspect I have ADD to some degree, this would not surprise me in the least), but I won't put forth a lot of effort to keep the small talk going, either. I think this may be because, unlike most people, silence doesn't bother me. It isn't awkward and I don't need every moment to be filled with chatter. My mind finds plenty of stimulation within my own thoughts and my surroundings.

There's more, but I think I've made my point. Being this way makes it hard for me to make friends, I don't open up until I begin to feel comfortable around those I'm with and that can take several days to a week or so, once I do open up, there's no guarantee that anyone will really like me. As I said, I'm a bit socially retarded, which can make things awkward. Of course, generally speaking, once you make friends you go out and do things with them.

I enjoy going out and having fun, but I also love just hanging out at home with a good book. I don't mind being alone and actually prefer it most of the time.

Not to mention, I'm married and on top of that I have a son. A beautiful little boy who happens to be my pride and joy. Literally the light and life of my world. He also keeps me incredibly busy. Sometime last year, after becoming unemployed, my wife and I switched roles, now she works and I'm a stay at home dad (anyone who says this isn't work isn't a parent) and I love it. It can be exhausting though and takes up most of my time. I have a life of my own and like so many others, get caught up in it all too much.

The bad side to all of the above is that while making friends is hard, keeping them is ridiculous. Or at least, maintaining a close friendship. Over time, they kind of just fade away. There a few people who I will always consider friends, no matter how long it's been since I last saw them. These are the people I've been looking back on as of late.

I know that one of these friends was married not too long ago and I hear he's happy, for which I'm very grateful. Another, I know almost nothing about, it's been years since we last spoke and we parted ways on terms that weren't all that great. I don't think this person really considers me a friend anymore and I doubt they'd have any desire for me to be one again, but I will always consider myself a friend to this person and if a day come when they need me, I will be there. That goes for all of my friends, but for these two doubly. They've had more of an impact on my life then either will ever know and both helped me through a difficult time in my life.

I hear about the first every now and then, the two of us drifted away after I met my wife but we continued talking at work, then I lost my job. Months before I'd gotten a new phone, lost his contact info and never bothered to get it again. I should. I don't think it would be very difficult in his case.

As for the other, I've only heard a couple bits here and there from my sister. All I really hope is that this friend is happy because they deserve nothing less. I'd love to reestablish that friendship, but I worry the bridge is burnt, that they wouldn't be happy to see me and that I might do more damage than good.

This post is starting to go on a little long so I'll wrap up.

I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them, and to each of them and to anyone else I may have hurt or neglected.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to be a better person. A better friend.

If you've read this, I want you to know.

I miss you, I love you and hope you are well.