The last several months have been exceedingly stressful. I was fired for missing work when my wife was in the hospital and I had no one to watch my son. I started looking for a job and still haven't found one. I ended up applying for unemployment because if I didn't my family would have to leave our home. My wife applied for food stamps which is really the only thing that has allowed us to eat the last several months.
I can't tell you how stressful being jobless is, many of us in today's society understand the feeling, having been there, but if you haven't it isn't something I'd recommend. As the days go by it gets harder, being turned down and ignored by most places of business is discouraging and if you don't keep yourself busy everyday you start to slip downward into a strangely shaped rut and depression starts pressing in (not clinical depression, though if you do have that being jobless doesn't help.)
It's a weight that presses down on you, especially if you're expected to be the bread winner of the household, and though roles are changing quickly, men tend to fall under that expectancy. Of course, being a man, I also feel the need to go out and work and support my family. I'm married to my best friend and an absolutely beautiful woman and together we have the most amazing little boy (I know, every parent says that about their own kids and there's a reason for that, a reason you'll only understand if you actually have a child because really there's no way to explain the magic, wonder and love that comes from watching your child grow up and learn). I feel a need to provide for them, support them and protect them.
We live in a basement apartment, my wife exchanges her nanny services for the greater part of our rent and until just recently, the unemployment I was receiving covered the rest, but the money I qualified for ran out, I'm still out of a job and still need to pay rent. I'm stressed, job hunting is so time consuming that when you don't hear back from anybody at all it fills you with doubts, about yourself, about whether it's worth the investment (of course it is, you need income to live, not just survive). I'm so very grateful for my wife and all she does and for the time that I've had with my son, who just turned nine months. I've formed a bond with him I hadn't had time for while working and have watched him grow, he sits up and crawls and walks along the furniture, he's getting to the point where he's starting to figure out how to stand up by himself and if he's there he doesn't need to hold on to anything while he does it. I've been able to see him learn all this and it's amazing.
It's stressful too.
I never understood just how hard and tiring being a parent is, even with just one. They demand attention, need to be fed, changed and put down for naps. You need to play with them, spend time with them and love them. Sometimes it's all very easy, but even at the end of an easy day you're exhausted.
Then there are the stresses of everyday life, everything just piles on top of the other and before you know it you just can't handle anymore and you find your patience has run thin. That happened to me today and I took my frustrations out on the one person in this world that matters and I'm sorry, and doubly sorry because today is the one day that I should have done everything I could to make special.
It's my anniversary and I'm very sorry. I love my wife more than she'll ever truly understand and I'm so proud of her and everything she has accomplished and overcome. She deserves to be happy more than anybody I've ever met. I didn't help much with that tonight. She's a beautiful woman, a loving mother and a stupendous wife and I couldn't ask for a better friend.
I'm sorry for everything, if I could take back the words I would. But words spoken can't be taken back, so I'll be sure to speak more carefully in the future.
I love you very much, Ashley.
Happy Anniversary.
You've got to control your temper.
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