Personal Demons and Hard Days

 Today was really hard.

Last night I revisited some particularly painful memories, the most painful I have actually and reliving those moments was incredibly hard and almost unbearably painful for me. Over the years I've become accustomed to all the pain, sorrow and regret from those experiences and learned to push them away and ignore them. You could say I bottled them up, as I'm prone to do with most of my emotions, and then left them someplace dark and buried so as to forget them.

The problem with this is that those things start to fester and stink. You never forget about them, not really, you just push them down and away and then pretend they aren't really there.

Well, last night I opened up that bottle and dumped its contents out all over the place. It stunk and stung and hurt a lot. Lots of old wounds that never healed were split wide and I was forced to deal with those things all over again.

These aren't things I really ever discuss with anybody. Those experiences are so personal, private and painful that I can literally count the number of people I've talked to about them on one hand. So reliving those moments, and everything that came after, hurt a lot.

I went to bed last night tossing and turning and unable to sleep. I felt like I'd dumped my personal demons all over and then left them to play. Nothing was resolved. It was all wide open and staring me in the face. I was filled with thoughts that wouldn't go away and ultimately didn't get much sleep.

Today, not surprisingly, my biggest emotions were fear, sorrow, regret and pain. They all warred and fought for the top spot and it was hard and emotionally exhausting as I went through it all over and over and over again.

There were a couple moments of the everyday that managed to distract me and pick me up. I even laughed a few times.

Tonight, everything got infinitely better. I had a wonderful conversation with an even more wonderful friend and together we were able to talk through a lot of these raging emotions and worries I've had and for the very first time I was told I was a good person and that I deserved to be happy by someone who actually meant it in a way that wasn't generic, bottled or prepackaged or self serving. It was a genuine statement filled with a love I've never experienced before and for the first time in a long time I actually believed it.

The last day or so have not been easy, but I feel like they were good for me. I've talked a little about this in an earlier post, but for years now I've struggled to find the magic I used to see in the everyday. Tonight I feel like I got a small piece of that back due to the kindness and love of someone truly amazing.

I don't know that I'll ever stop hurting or that the regrets will ever truly fade away, but tonight someone actually made me feel like maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. That maybe, just maybe, I do deserve to be happy. Truly happy.

I don't know about any of you, but that's a feeling I wouldn't trade for the world.

The End in Sight

It's been an interesting month. Time has gone by incredibly fast and at the same time, heart-achingly slow, as it tends to do when you're waiting for something you really want. Right now, for me, it's the finalization of my divorce and everything that entails.

I won't lie, I'm lucky that my divorce has gone smoothly. It hasn't been ugly or tense, in fact, it's been a very peaceful and mutual effort from the beginning. I hope it continues that way long after the divorce has been made final, which could possibly (hopefully) be as soon as mid-February. Which would be fantastic, because I filed in November.

You see, in Utah, there is a 90-day waiting period after you initially file for your divorce. During this period of time there isn't really a lot to be done aside from making sure the rest of the documents needed are all in order. (So long as everything is done in a peaceful, mutual way, like mine has been). Other than that, all you do is wait...

....and wait....

...............and wait....

Hence it being called a "waiting period"

I'm unclear as to all the reasons for this requirement, though I assume it has to do with making sure the couple actually wants to be divorced. It is a requirement for all married couples in Utah though, (no matter how long they've been separated) so I don't believe that is the only reason for it.

Now, my 90-day waiting period is almost at an end, which means I can file my remaining documents within the next week or so. This makes me incredibly happy, excited and nervous. I'm ready for it to be finished.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that just because I'll be divorced doesn't mean that everything will change or be over, because of my son my ex will still be a part of my life and probably always will be to some extent. I don't have a problem with that.

I'm just ready to have this done with, the paperwork and documents, all of it. The filing and waiting. I'm ready for the final stages. I'm ready to actually be divorced.

I'm more than ready for that.

I'm ready for this chapter to end so the next can begin. There are quite a few big potential changes coming up in the next few months. I'm ready to live life again.

My waiting is almost over.

The finish line is just around the bend.

New Years!! 2014

It's New Years Eve! Only a few hours left of 2013 and then we enter into the big ONE FOUR!!

Since I didn't really have any plans for tonight I decided to do something new, something I've been thinking about for a long while. I made a video, two actually, and uploaded them on YouTube. The first was a cover of the song Demons by Imagine Dragons and the second, an original song I wrote a few months back. The first song I'd written in almost three years. I stumbled a bit through both of them, but they turned out alright I think. Quality isn't the best, or even very good, but it's not the worst either.

Check them out at the following links

Under the Same Moon - Here

Demons - Here

I plan to continue uploading videos throughout the year, mostly covers, but I'd like to go through and record all of the better, older songs I wrote during and after highschool.

I'll probably have another post up soon about my goals for the coming year.

I'll leave you all tonight with a wonderful new years wish from a few years ago. My favorite, actually.

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before.

Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever." -Neil Gaiman

Where did the magic go?

A few short years ago this time of year filled me with excitement, joy and wonder. I loved Christmas and the holiday season and the way the world looked when covered in powdered snow and complimented by colored lights and the smell of pine. It was like magic. I could feel it deep down.

Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's the truth. There was always magic all around, all year long and I believed all one had to do was look. You could see it in the small and simple things. It was an appreciation of these things, a sort of gratitude towards the small and seemingly insignificant that added the finest details to life's tapestry.

But something changed in between then and now and I find myself wondering more and more often...

Where did the magic go?

Those small things have become harder to notice and truly see. The tiny miracles I enjoyed and pointed out to those close around me have all but disappeared from view.

I know they're still there, I can feel them, but not in the same way. It's a muted and dulled feeling that makes me ache for the one I can't seem to find anymore.

The past couple of years haven't been easy. I've had good times, but mostly bad. I feel like, looking back, I started lying to myself. Telling myself I was happy and where I was supposed to be, but deep down knowing the truth. None of it should have happened. I'd have been much happier, and would be much happier now, if I'd done what I knew I should have. Instead I contented myself and acclimated to my misery, telling myself I was happy all the while..

I guess you could say I have regrets. Not many, and ultimately, I don't think I'd have changed anything because despite all the hardship, drama and heartbreak. All the hurt, lies and denials. In the end, all those choices lead to my son.

I've made mistakes, done things I shouldn't have and because of this I feel, on an almost daily basis, that I'm pretty much just a screw up. I've become someone my younger self would have looked at cruelly and with disgust. I admit I had a problem with thinking I was better than other people. I'm not and life seems to have made a point of teaching me that. Or maybe it was just my self conscious. After all, everything that's happened has been a direct result of my own choices and actions.

But, even having become this person my younger self would have looked down on, I still have hope because when that little boy, my precious son, looks at me with nothing more than love in those little eyes of his, I think to myself, If this little child can love me, then I must be doing something right.

He gives me hope, and trust me when I say that hope is something I need.

Put bluntly, divorce sucks. Mine has been a mutual and very peaceful thing. My ex and I spoke and agreed on terms while I filled out the papers. We both agreed to the split, knowing it was for the best. Neither of us was happy and we both knew neither of us would be. We also knew it wasn't a good place to raise our son. We weren't violent, there wasn't any screaming or yelling or throwing things. It was quite the opposite. Quiet and silent as the grave. We just didn't speak, we grew distant and became strangers. When we did talk it was always to argue. Things became tense and we knew something had to change so we talked and finally admitted what needed to happen.

My divorce being a mutual thing doesn't make it suck any less. It's much simpler and a whole lot less ugly than it could have been, but even after five months it still hurts. Not that it ended that part, surprisingly, doesn't. I think it's because it ended long before we actually split.

What hurts is the loneliness.

And there's lots of it.

Sure, I have my family, who've been so kind, letting me move back in, rearranging bedrooms and even watching my son for me while I work. And then there's my son. If I didn't have him I honestly don't know where I'd be, he's kept me grounded and like I mentioned above, when I start getting a bit too down on myself he's always there to look me in the eye and prove that I've added something beautiful to the world. But, it isn't same as having a friend, a best friend, who's there for you. Who listens and knows everything. It's not having that that hurts.

I'll admit though that I've had that hurt for a very long time. My ex was never really like that, we were great friends but never truly best friends. I got by, pretending and lying to myself but I should have known better, we always get caught in the lie. I did and it was a tremendous heartbreak as the web I spun for myself came crashing down.

I could go on and maybe someday I will. It's a story I'll have to tell someone eventually, in its entirety, because I realize it's something I need to get off my chest. I doubt it will be on the blog though, it's pretty personal, but who knows. Maybe one day it won't bother me to share with the world.

The point I was getting at was, while I've had this hurt for such a long time, it's even more astute now because I don't have a way to pretend it's not there. That's probably good for me, but it doesn't make hurt any less.

The fact that I'm basically friendless (as in close friends), shy and socially awkward haven't helped all that much.

So five months after the split, I'm still lonely and hurting.

I've had a couple of people I know ask if I've started dating again. The answer is no, I haven't.

To be honest I don't really know how to go about it, not to mention I'm not sure I'm ready. Honestly I'm a little afraid I'll meet someone and want to go running into their arms which I don't want to happen, because it'd probably be a mistake and I don't want to screw up my life any more than I already have.

Not to mention the whole, I'm still technically married thing. I'm not really sure how that part works. How long before it's acceptable to date? I guess that's kind of personal though, right? Does it really matter?
My ex has been seeing someone for about a month now and while she's had some grief from some people I don't mind so long as my son is safe.

The fact that several of these people (the ones who've asked if I've started dating yet) seem to have differing opinions on whether or not I should start, seems to confirm the suspicion that it's more of a personal choice.

I guess the answer for me is it'll happen when it happens, maybe next week or maybe years from now. I figure it'll happen eventually, for now I'm just trying to get my life together. Reconnect with some great people from my past and find that magic that's missing.

This post kind of got away from me. It was supposed to be about the magic and joy of life, especially during this time of year. I've lost sight of it and only feel it in muffled, dying dribbles. Everything I talked about above, I'm sure, has attributed to the loss of magic in my life. I'm sure there's more to it as well, but I know it's there I just have to find it again. I think when I do, I'll find that it corresponds quite a bit with just how happy I am in life.

So, I guess I'll just keep moving forward and getting my life put back together. Eventually, I'll get there.

P.S. - I've recently decided to do my best to focus on the positives in life. It's easy to by negative and easily turns into a downward spiral. So I'm doing my best to avoid complaining and just feel grateful. (I have yet to successfully go a full day, but I'm getting there) This post focused on a lot of the bad in my life recently, but it's was thearaputic to write so we'll say it balanced out.

Why don't you join me, make a goal of going one full day without complaining once, about anything! See how goes!

A Good Week

This last week was, by far, was one of the better weeks I've had in quite sometime despite my son being sick with a slight ear infection, which has made him crankier than a crack addicted dragon going through withdrawals, and the fact that I've (comparatively) written hardly anything at all.

I've gotten stuck in my WIP (work in progress) and am unsure of where it's going. After staring at the screen for hours and getting almost nothing done over two days time, I took a short vacation from it and decided to write a short story based on one of the characters. I enjoyed it and learned more about who the character is or rather who they will become as the story takes place after my WIP. Despite not being very long and nowhere near helping me meet my daily word goal, it was fun and somewhat contented the self critical thinking I'm prone to.

I also dedicated some time to playing the guitar, which was immensely cathartic and learned a few new songs. I'm debating whether or not I want to be one of those people, by which I mean just about everyone, and upload videos of me playing them to YouTube. At the moment I'm undecided.

I also had an awesome lunch with my little sister, which I should really try and convince her to do more often, after a small adventure riding Trax where I did nothing, but sit and listen to the audiobook of American Gods. This has done nothing but remind me just how much I love this book and the Tenth Anniversary Edition on audiobook is simply amazing, I wish all audiobooks had full casts. I was so sucked into the story that I actually missed my stop and then headed several blocks in the wrong direction after getting off before realizing what I was doing and where I needed to go.

The week finished off with a Halloween party thrown by my aforementioned little sister and it was a lot of fun. We were all supposed to dress up, my little Bootstrap went as hastily thrown together Daryl Dixon outfit, though without a vest or crossbow. I looked everywhere a friggin' crossbow toy and am amazed that I couldn't find one. I kind of copped out, with no ideas, no time and no money I threw together a costume that was funny and clever and totally not my own idea. A cereal killer. It was a very enjoyable evening, I love when my family gets together because I'm lucky to have them and perhaps even luckier that everyone gets along extremely well.

And last, but definitely not least, and possibly what made my entire week, was reconnecting a bit to an old and very dear friend, one of the best I've ever had, and the person who suggested my costume idea, which may have been more of a joke, but I did it anyways. It was great fun to hear from them and to find out that they are happy and enjoying life.

So it was a good week, probably a great week and I'm pretty content at the moment. Looking forward to this week and hoping it holds something in store.


Bootstrap's costume.

Little Daryl

He started posing as I took the picture haha!

And then me just being my dorky self.

 

'Utah Mormons'

First and foremost I want to make clear that while the topic I’m writing about focuses on people in the LDS (Mormon) religion, it applies to ALL religions and belief systems, whether there is a God involved or not, from faith to politics. Second and maybe more important is this is not an attack of any sort on Mormons, especially Mormons in Utah, or any other faith or belief system.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, commonly known and referred to as the Mormon Church.

I live in Utah and have lived here for the majority of my life. If there are any reading this who are unfamiliar with the state of Utah let’s just say it is predominately Mormon. As such, life in Utah can be a strange thing to behold if you’re from out of state and even more so if you aren’t a Mormon.

The topic I want to address today is one that a friend of mine, who is not Mormon, brought up on Facebook and which immediately received several responses. That topic is the ‘Utah Mormon’.

For anyone in Utah who is not a member of the LDS church, or a former member, often referred to as having “fallen away,” this term is immediately understood to some degree because they have, undoubtedly, crossed paths with a ‘Utah Mormon’.

The term implies that there is a difference between ‘Utah Mormons’ and other (regular?) Mormons and truth be told, there is and it’s a big difference.

While the term ‘Utah Mormon’ seems to imply any Mormon from Utah, this is untrue, because there are many Mormons in Utah who do not share the traits I am about to discuss and there are Mormons outside of Utah who do.

I imagine the term came to life in light of the fact that there is a much greater concentration of Mormons here than anywhere else and because of this there are more people who share these traits, feed off of them and adopt them. You could compare it to a mob mentality, though generally speaking ‘Utah Mormons’ mean well, mostly, but that doesn’t always mean the end result is a good one. To put it more precisely and bit more elegantly, another friend described it as the following, “‘Utah Mormon’ describes a broken social mentality brimming with ignorance, found primarily in [Utah]. Is every Mormon in Utah a ‘Utah Mormon’? No, absolutely not.”

The terminology is unfair, it is a stereotype and unfairness is a defining trait of stereotypes. With that in mind let’s continue.

The original post was, “The difference between Mormons and Utah Mormons: the former accepts and welcomes friends, the latter hopes their friends will someday see the light and repent.”

I agree with this statement and would like to add a bit to it and take it a step further. I believe there are two types of ‘Utah Mormons’.

The first being the type mentioned above.

If you are not a member, or were a member, and you cross paths with a ‘Utah Mormon’, odds are good that they take it as their own personal calling from God to do anything in their power to make sure you convert or return to the church. Or at the very least, they will hope and pray that you do.

I’ve met people like this, I have friends who are like this and you better believe that I have been made a target to these people in the past. To be fair, in the Mormon religion, we are taught to share our beliefs, that “every member [is] a missionary.” I believe there is a big difference between sharing our beliefs and trying to convert anyone who believes differently.

I take issue with this mindset, as does everyone else, including ‘Utah Mormons’. Let me explain why.

Generally speaking, people don’t like or appreciate being told they’re wrong. It’s a pride thing, a human thing. People want to be accepted and liked, no matter what they say or do. It is a very basic attribute. We, being human, are very social creatures. It is in our nature. Even the quiet people, the loners, the bitter and mean, the shy and antisocial all need and crave a certain amount of social interaction and acceptance.

Brazenly trying to convert somebody who isn’t interested may fill a part of that social interaction but I guarantee that the message you are sending to those you wish to convert is anything but acceptance. To be clear, the message sounds more like this, “I’m willing to accept you, but only if you set aside any beliefs that are contrary to my own and accept my religion as the one true faith,”

I know some of you reading this may see that and say, “But my religion is the one true faith,” and this is where I *facepalm* and tell you that you missed the point.

I’m going to throw something out there. People who have a religion tend to believe that their religion is the “one true religion” so telling someone that it isn’t by trying to convince them of the veracity of your own again falls into that whole “you’re wrong” category. This is also true of those who do not have a religion, who may or may not even believe that a God exists at all. They have their reasons for believing what they do, everybody does and those reasons are extremely personal.

These beliefs are so personal that they are often deciding factors for many, if not all, of life’s major decisions. To suddenly tell someone their religion is wrong or that their lack of religion is wrong, whether straight up or more subtly, by pressing them to see the “light” in your own religion is generally viewed as a personal attack.

And why shouldn’t it be?

For me and many others, Mormons as well, this just isn’t acceptable behavior.

I’m willing to bet that ‘Utah Mormons’ have experienced this same thing from people of other faiths and I guarantee that it wasn’t welcomed behavior for them either. Why? Because people want to be respected, they want their beliefs to be respected and because people of other faiths can believe just as firmly in the veracity of their own religion as ‘Utah Mormons’ do theirs. People, of any faith or lack thereof, just want to be loved for who they are, not for someone else’s image of them or potential image.

Now a few words on the second type, the one who’s motives I’ve yet to truly understand, because just about any way you slice it, the end result just isn’t nice.

The second type of ‘Utah Mormon’ is, if anything, almost the complete opposite of the first and possibly more aggressive. Upon discovering you are not of their faith or have fallen away they immediately turn cold. You could have been having the best conversation in the world and suddenly the other person becomes someone else entirely. They may want nothing to do with you, act as though you are beneath them, like they are more righteous than you. Maybe they’re afraid that by socializing with you they are putting their own faith at risk. I don’t know, but people actually believe things like that.

There’s also a good chance that instead of ignoring you, they may say things about certain choices you’ve made, particularly lifestyle choices. They’ll comment on your clothing, piercings or tattoos. The latter two are favorites and easy targets. In the Mormon religion it is taught that your body is a temple, as such you should respect it. Women are allowed one set of piercings in the earlobes, men are not and tattoos are a no-no for just about anybody.

The comments are often made offhand, a jab testing your defenses as if they are looking for a weakness. A place they can sneak in and unleash an almost convert or die tirade. The comments are made in a way that seem innocent enough, like something about not being able to get a job or “you’ll regret that later” or any other number of things and yet, it’s hard not hear the distaste, the disagreement and bile that spreads over their tongue while they do so. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of well meaning people who can say these things without even the slightest hint of negativity, but more often than not, in my own personal experience, this in not true of the majority of those who feel the need make such a comment. I have been amazed, astonished and genuinely surprised by the cruel things that have been said and shared on social media, things lathered and double dipped in “good intentions,” by people I admired and of which I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they should have known better.

For example, my ex wife had facial piercings and was often, in church settings, made a target. Avoided or ridiculed by kind, well meaning people who wanted her to understand that she shouldn’t be that way. She shouldn’t like the things she liked, she shouldn’t think the way she thought and shouldn’t express herself the way she did.

To be frank, it pissed me off. It still does.

But this is not true of everybody. There were plenty of Mormons who seemed to adore her. They enjoyed talking to her, about her piercings and her tattoos. They were fascinated by what they meant and understood that these things were small and insignificant in comparison to whom she actually was and is. They understood the piercings and tattoos did not define her, they were and are, only a small layer of the whole.

I loved these people. Not because we were friends, because we weren’t, we barely knew each other, but I loved them because they were the way all people should be, accepting.

Both types of ‘Utah Mormons’ can blend together at times and this makes sense because in the end they both stem from the same roots, an utter lack of understanding of one of the most basic principles taught in the Mormon religion.

Love one another.

We are taught, from a very young age, to be “Christ-like” and accepting of others.

That is a lesson that for many, doesn’t seem to sink in very well.

A final truth about ‘Utah Mormons’ is that they would never call themselves a ‘Utah Mormon’ or even realize they are one. Just like the saying, crazy people don’t think they’re crazy, ‘Utah Mormons’ don’t think they’re ‘Utah Mormons’.

This post isn’t meant to vilify ‘Utah Mormons’, after all, we’re all imperfect, we all have shortcomings and just because someone acts this way does not mean that they are a bad person. It only means they are human.

I suppose my hope in writing this is to help people, 'Utah Mormons' in particular, be a bit more self aware and encourage them to be more accepting of others and all their differences. 

I hope to see your comments. Please feel free to add what you will; I’m interested in your thoughts, concerns and personal experiences on this topic. I hope to have a bit of a discussion on this. If you have any questions or something to add or discuss, please do so and please share this post with others, so they can also read and share their own insights.

Oh, but let’s all play nice.

Halloween and All Hallows Read

OMG! 

HALLOWEEN IS COMING!!

*ahem*

Now that that outburst is done.

Halloween is fast approaching. Once one of my absolute favorite holidays..

Well, to be honest, in many ways it still is, though for different reasons. I suppose the truth is its less the actual holiday and just the season. An excuse to celebrate all the things I grew up loving and getting weird looks for.

All the dark things, the creepy things and unexplainable things. I've long had a deep seeded love of vampires (non sparkly, thank you) and witches (darker and more macabre than the Hogwarts variety, though I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't absolutely, and remain absolutely, (warning: pun ahead) spellbound by the Hogwarts breed as well). Goblins and ghouls, ghosts and monsters, graveyards and spooky, mist filled nights.

Admittedly, I was always less fascinated by zombies and werewolves and honestly I remain this way, though I do love the Walking Dead. Less for its zombies and more for the interesting story aspect, with characters that have actual, well written, arcs.

Though if I'm honest with you, and myself, my love of this season comes more from the childish side of things. The macabre blended whole heartedly with a heaping dose of laughs and sprinkled with innocence. Remenicient of most things Tim Burton. I'd be lying to you if I said I enjoyed the whole scare your pants off side of it all.

I don't.

I don't like being scared. For me it isn't fun, and is far from enjoyable in any sense of that word. Despite this I've been to my far share of haunted houses and horror movies. Never truly my idea, but a tradition of the masses I somehow find myself as a participant in, not always, but more often than not.

But with Halloween and this season comes a newer tradition I've advocated here on the blog for the last few years.

I love this

All Hallows Read

The idea is a simple one. On Halloween, give someone a book, probably a scary book or a creepy book or a book in the spirit of the season. Or at the very least, just a book.

It's something fun and beautiful. There aren't many things that make me happier than to see somebody reading a book. Reading really is a good thing. It offers us knowledge, expands our vocabularies and allows us to step into other worlds and meet new people and make new friends. Books teach us lessons, not just about grammar or spelling but about life. About emotions and situations and people.

Stories carry morals and sometimes, invaluable lessons. Sometimes stories, books and words, save lives.

Words are powerful, they have meaning and are capable of carrying that meaning straight to ones very core.

Books are gateways. To other lives, states, countries and even worlds and realms. Where magic coincides with people and monsters exist and can be defeated, or sometimes not.

All Hallows Read.

Just another reason to love October.

You can find out more here at the website.

Go ahead, give someone a book this Halloween.

Last years poster and still my favorite