Some Melancholy and Some Hope

"I'm a writer,"

That's what I say to myself, in my mind. Where no one else can hear. Where no one can dispute, or argue or point out flaws in that simple statement. No one, but myself.

"I'm a writer," I say.

And then a voice, from the back, hidden in the shadows of cracks and crevices. Somewhere deep. It isn't a loud voice, but soft and, sometimes, though perhaps I imagine it, sorrowful.

"You aren't" it says.

The words sting, but I've heard them before, have in fact, had this conversation countless times and each time it's the same.

"Of course I am," the response is immediate and a bit defensive.

But the voice is unyielding. It knows.

"You aren't,"

My response is much the same, an echo of the first.

But the voice cannot be swayed. It comes from the deep places, the places of truth. And so the words strike true, and they hurt. The voice knows this and so, it is gentle.

"But you don't write,"

There isn't much to say back to that. I respond anyway.

"I do..." it's a weak response and as it is, it may even be a lie. I accompany it with a weaker follow up to push it into truth, if only just, "it's just been awhile,"

And even though the voice is just a voice I feel it, can almost see it, shaking it's head. It cannot be fooled, but the conversation ends. Sometimes it may go on longer, just a bit; other times it's shorter, but it's always the same, more or less. Sooner or later, the voice quiets. 

But it does not believe me, and so I do not believe myself, not deep down in those places of truth. The places we keep hidden. Outside, however, I tell myself I do believe and sometimes, I almost convince myself. Sometimes I can almost forget, but stories are always churning in my mind and where there are stories there is writing and with writing, my insecurities.

And so I tell myself, "I'm a writer,"

It starts again. 

It's an almost daily thought process, a micro conversation with myself. But lately I've grown tired, my arguments less defensive and more hollow. I've been thinking about what the voice has said, it's words and their truths. They hurt to think about, but uncomfortable truths always do. A new conversation arose today, similar, but so very different.

"I'm not a writer, am I?" the words hurt to have even thought, as if, by thinking them I was losing something precious, and in a way, I was.

"No, you aren't," the voice was almost like a gentle and comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I want to be," I felt like a child, small and helpless, surrounded by my broken dreams.

"I know," it said, the way someone would say I'm sorry.

It hurts, but life goes on. 

"I'm not a writer," I say, tasting the words and their truthfulness.

Truth always wins out in the end. And so the voice, from way in the back, down in the deep places where we hide truths we don't want to acknowledge, has nothing to say. No lie or fabrication to correct or contradict.

"I'm not a writer," I repeat, shaking my own head this time, filled with sorrow and acceptance.

And then, to my surprise, the voice.

"No, but you could be,"

- - -

I haven't written in a long time, but I think about writing often, daily even. Not just stories, but these blogs as well. I like to write and if you were to ask me why I don't I honestly wouldn't be able to give a good answer.

This was a silly story, perhaps, but a hard one to write, and yet at the same time I almost wrote it accidentally. It's fiction, but it's also not. The words still sting, but there is hope.

A writer?

I want to be. It's been a dream for such a long time, it feels as if it's become a part of who I am. 

Whether or not I'm writer is ultimately a choice. I want to be a writer, but to be a writer I have to write. I've said it before, to myself, my wife, even here on the blog. And so my dream requires action. I must do in order to make my dream something more substantial.

I stumbled on this quote tonight, and it struck me.

Ralph Waldo Emmerson said, "As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way."

There's the answer. The reason I haven't been writing. I think I know now. I've been in my way. It's come in the form of a lot of excuses and at it's root, it's been caused by fear. I'm coming to realize that I have a lot more fears than I ever knew, but that's good, because now, I can face them.

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” - Walt Disney

I don't know what the future holds, but I do have hope and I'm trying to have courage.

Marriage Advice?

 

The other night my wife and I were eating out with family and friends. We sat at a table with her younger brother and his fiancé. I had gotten up to grab something and when I got back to the table I found my wife talking about marriage advice and she asked if I had any for the soon to be newly weds. My response to this question is almost always the same and has a tendency to be given by a lot of other people as well, right along with "Don't go to bed mad." My answer was 'communication' and that was it.

The two nodded and agreed, my brother in law made a small noise that was both acknowledging and dismissive. It was something they'd heard before, several times I'm sure, but I hope it's also something that they've taken to heart. It's something I've been thinking about since.  

It's hard to really understand what 'communication' means until you're truly married and living with one another. I know the two of them have a better understanding than most, both of them having served missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, during which time (a year and half for women and two years for men) you are constantly accompanied by another individual, your companion. You do not choose your companion, sometimes the two of you hit it off and become fast friends, other times you learn to love one another and become friends, sometimes you just tolerate one another and other times it's incredibly difficult not to hate your companion. On the mission you learn many things, communication is a big one. When you are constantly paired together and always at each other's side, except perhaps for the bathroom (and sometimes even then) you quickly learn to live together, whether you love each other or hate each other. You learn to communicate and as you do you begin to understand the other person.  

My brother in law and (soon to be) sister in law have both been through this and I know for certain that they have learned a thing or two about communicating. But the mission is not marriage, and the companions you learn and teach alongside are temporary. On the mission, whether you like the person or not, your time together will come to an end. Getting married however, is for keeps. That's the whole idea, it isn't a temporary thing. Nobody goes into marriage expecting to get divorced later on. Does it happen? Yes, somewhat frequently in our society. Divorce is becoming more and more a normal part of the world. Why? People don't communicate anymore. It isn't the only reason divorce happens, but it's a big one. I know, I've been there.  

My ex-wife and I started out as pretty good friends, we got along really well and for the most part still do. Thankfully, we've had a very civil experience so far and I'm really happy about that for Bootstrap's sake. My marriage didn't have the communication it needed, it wasn't the only reason we eventually divorced, but it was, as I've stated, a big one and the lack of it only served to exponentially increase and multiply other issues.  Like Simon & Garfunkel so wisely stated, "Silence like a cancer grows," I can't begin to express the truth behind that sentence in a relationship like marriage. I've seen silence grow like a cancer. It grows quickly, invasive, it infests everything and then makes it all fester.    

So do I have any marriage advice? Yes, communicate. Talk to each other. Trust one another. You're getting married, or got married, for a reason. Because you love each other, because you wanted to spend the rest of forever together. Don't forget that. Don't let your pride, or fear of what your spouse might think, get in the way of having open and honest conversations with one another. You love each other and will continue to love each other and as you talk and communicate and share your fears and dreams and build one another up and work together to get through the hard times you'll grow together. Your love will grow in leaps and bounds. If something bothers you, if you're hurt or concerned or have something on your mind, bring it up and talk about it. Don't keep things bottled up, especially the fears and frustrations. Listen and talk about what can be done and then do it. I've seen what comes of silence in a relationship, I've lived it. I watched as my first wife and I drifted apart and became strangers. Remember when I said we started as good friends? That's what silence, or a lack of communication, does; it makes strangers of the people closest to you.  

Communicating isn't always easy, sometimes it can be, but sometimes it will feel like the hardest thing you've done. It will lighten your burdens though, ease the fears and frustrations and prevent and solve problems or issues that have or could have arisen.  

Some other bits of advice, forgive and ask forgiveness. Even if you don't feel you were in the wrong (even if you know you were right) set aside your pride and apologize. That may sound strange, but I guarantee amazing things will come of this. Sometimes someone just needs to take the first step and everything else will follow.  

My last piece of advice to anyone getting married, or newly wed, is to love. That might sound stupid, but it's true. It's too easy to get caught up in life, days can go by without ever uttering the word. Don't let that happen. Love always and forever.  Don't take that love for granted, if your spouse already knows you love them, tell them again anyway. Say it out loud, show it and live it every day, in everything you do.  

I'm incredibly lucky and blessed to be where I am now, married to my best and oldest friend. I'm even more lucky that she shares the understanding of how important communication is to our lives and our happiness. I look forward to the many years I get to share with her and the many opportunities that we'll be able to take advantage of to speak and communicate with one another and the growth that will bring to us both.  

Communicate. Forgive. Love.  

I'm sure there are many other valuable pieces of advice you can find, some of it may conflict with other pieces. That's because everyone is different and everyone learns to live in different ways, but I think those three things are a pretty big, broad and general. There are as many ways to do these things as there are people. You'll learn your own way, as an individual and as a couple and together you'll improve them as you grow.

New Years (A short post)

It's a new year and with it comes new beginnings.

I've been giving a lot of thought to goals and resolutions for the coming year and reflecting on those from years now past, both the ones I've actually finished and ones I haven't and the reasons why. I think part of my problem is that my goals are often too big, too vague or I have too many. I think it's actually a fairly common thing people do and why resolutions for the new year aren't often taken seriously.

I've talked about this topic a few times over the years on my blog, so I'll be short and I won't make you any promises. Not yet. I will, however, make one for myself and that's to continue mulling over who I am and who I want to be and the differences between the two. As well as a similar question concerning my family; what I want for us and what is necessary and what is best. That's something my wife and I have discussed several times and I imagine we will continue to discuss it over the coming year and coming years.

I feel I've been very contemplative over the last few weeks, thinking about what matters and what doesn't. Some of those things are easier to recognize than others and some of them are harder, murkier. As this new year begins I hope to make better sense of myself, my hopes and my dreams. 

I hope you do as well. I hope we'll all recognize the things that matter most, the things that give us joy, true joy, so that we'll smile wider, laugh louder and hope harder. And I hope in this new year that we'll all spend more time around the people we care for and who care for us in return.

Let's stop the hate, let go of the grudges, think before we speak and forgive even those we feel we shouldn't. There's too much negativity in the world and life is too short to be spent on such trivialities. 

I wish you all a happy New Years.

Let's make the best of it.

Babies and Toddlers and Family

Babies are hard.

They're adorably tiny little helpless humans which are sometimes covered in hair and sometimes not. In our case there's hair, a lot of it. It's that newborn hair that feels as soft as some animal's fur and which won't last long, much to Mushu's relief I imagine since it covers his ears, shoulders and forehead. It's cute now but, it probably wouldn't be years from now.

With this newest addition to the family comes the reminder that there's very little babies can do for themselves. It sounds stupidly obvious and it is, but you don't really realize how much work it is until you have to do it. Even when you've had one kid already you tend to forget things. You may remember many things, sure, but you forget things, too. Namely how hard things can be, especially when you've had no sleep and you can't get the kid to stop screaming or fussing.

Ours is quite fussy at night and this is why I'm awake and writing right now. At least, that's part it. I took him from my wife so she can sleep at least a little before he wakes up hungry again. He nodded off after I walked around with him for a few minutes so I made my way to Bootstrap's bedroom where the rocking recliner has made it's home. It seems Mushu needs to be moved in order to sleep, or at least it seems to help, which was true for Bootstrap also when he was smaller (it was he who dubbed his little brother Mushu, much to his mother's chagrin) I remember I spent near every night with him next to me and I would rock him every few minutes until he fell back to sleep. I'm sure some nights it only felt that way, I'm also sure some nights were exactly that. So it was until he learned to sleep in his crib. I'll be happy once Mushu hits that point as well, even if my wife is the one who ends up awake all night with him. Actually scratch that, especially since my wife is the one who stays up all night with him. I love my wife, I want her well slept and well rested because that's what she wants (and she's nicer that way. *wink**wink*)

I am both impressed and surprised that Mushu actually fell asleep and seems to be staying that way. Also grateful. I told my wife I wasn't tired because I drank caffeine awhile ago but that's both truth and lie. I am tired, but I won't fall asleep. I'm a bit sensitive to caffeine, especially if I don't drink it often and I can proudly say I don't. But that doesn't mean I'm not tired. I'm happy to be helping though, I know my wife is exhausted and she deserves sleep. Babies are hard.

She'll roll her eyes when she reads this because in all honesty she does all the heavy lifting (figuratively speaking of course, she had a c-section and isn't allowed to lift heavy things) she's a super woman, no doubt about it (all moms are) and I'm very proud of her. It's blatantly obvious that little Mushu loves and adores her and her feelings are mutual. I love them both. And our little Bootstrap, too. He's struggling a little, but loves his little brother very much. He has such a big heart for such a little guy and he's so independent, at times frustratingly so, toddlers are hard, too. There's rarely a day that goes by though when he does not impress me, teach me, show me new wonders or remind me of wonders long forgotten. To see the world through his eyes is magic. I'm excited to see it through Mushu's.

I'm excited for the adventures the two of them will have and the friendship they'll share. I know they won't always act like friends and there will be fights and moments they hate each other, but they'll always be brothers. Bootstrap loves Mushu and Mushu loves Bootstrap. He can't say so, not yet, but he lights up and smiles when I talk to him about his big brother (it could, I'll admit, just be gas, but I doubt it.)

I'm so grateful for them both, and for my wife as well, they remind me there's still beauty in the world. Still magic. Still love. And right now those kind of reminders are the best of all.

Lazy Sundays are the Best Sundays (and a Cute Kitten)

TRUTH - too bad I suck at naps

It's been a few weeks since I last blogged. I think it's safe to say no one is surprised.

I have, however, been writing. At least over this last week. I've had an idea knocking around my head for awhile now and I'm finally beginning to see what the overall arch will be, it's quite a bit different from the initial idea and I imagine it will only continue to change and grow as I continue to write it.

I've set a goal for myself for a certain word count each day and have yet to actually reach it. Right now it's more a goal I'm working towards than one I expect to meet each day. I used to be able to belt out a nice word count each day within about a two hour period. I'm not even close to reaching that again, but I know I'll get there so long as I keep writing. I'm just out of practice.

It's a bit of a lazy Sunday today, which is more than perfectly acceptable for me. Most Sundays we're out visiting family, which I enjoy and love doing, but it's always nice to have a day to relax and do nothing with my wife and son (one of them is watching Tinkerbell while the other naps, I'll let you decide who's doing what), especially when it happens to be the only day off during the weekend.

I'll write more later. There are other things I've been thinking about and would like to put into word, but not in this post, and not today (probably). I just wanted to get a post out since it's been such a long time.

For now I'm off to cook breakfast burritos for dinner and possibly enjoy a movie with the family after that.

More later.

PS - Here's a cute kitten, napping, because the internet and why not.

Quick Post - An update

I'm writing this on my wife's kindle. It's an older model and only has an onscreen keyboard. Not that that's a problem.

I've written several things, including a few blog posts from my phone, which is a lot smaller. I'm used to my phone though, accustomed to it and I feel a bit clunky and awkward here so it's taking me a little longer to write.

I don't have much experience using any type of tablet, which may sound strange to most seeing as how utilized just about everywhere these days by everyone. I've wanted to get one for sometime, but could never justify forking over the cash. My wife has had this kindle since before we started dating and I never really played on it or tried to use it until now.

I like it, but I feel like if I were to get one I'd want it to be just a bit larger because I'd probably be getting it primarily to write while I wasn't home. Something smaller than a laptop with a decent battery life and a keyboard. I used to have a netbook until early this year when it met an unfortunate end. I don't think I'd redo it. We recently purchased a computer, which is part of why I started blogging again, and I really like it, but I can't take it with me to write other places and I feel other places is where I do my best, or most productive, writing.

I can write here at home and often do, but I'm also easily distracted by things in the house so something I could take with me would be great. For now, however, I'll make do with what I have and be grateful for it. After all, it's more than what many others have.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I expect I'll be writing about it here within the coming days. It may actually be something interesting. Maybe even something that's worth reading. I don't know. We'll have see.

I believe I mentioned in my previous post that I had submitted a short story to an online literary magazine. Late last night I received a response. A form letter, the story was rejected. To be honest I wasn't expecting such a quick response, I've submitted a handful of stories in the past to different magazines and had to wait weeks to months in some cases to hear back. This was less than a week. I'm actually impressed at how quickly I received my response.  

What I did expect was the rejection, and while it is always disappointing to be rejected, I am excited to keep moving forward and continue submitting stories for publication. 

It'll happen someday, until then, I'll just keep writing. 

Be seeing you.

Sick Holidays and Getting Better

This past weekend was a bit of a bust.

I'd been planning for quite some time on going out of town and enjoying the three day weekend with family. Instead, I spent most of the weekend in bed, somewhere between almost conscious and zombie. Some time mid last week I got hit by a bus of a bug and from one day to the next I found I couldn't breathe, my head felt like an over filled balloon and I had a fever that came and went like the wind. My throat felt like I'd unsuccessfully attempted to swallow hot coals and somewhere between the body aches and the teary eyes caused by fist sized balls of phlegm I coughed up and then gagged on because, of course, they didn't want to let go of the back of my throat, I found that, once again natural, herbal remedies are awesome and nothing beats NyQuil for an entire nights sleep. 

But during those few days of bedridden misery, in which I filled the hours watching social media like a silent creeper (but doesn't everybody) and watching westerns on Netflix (Django, The Homesman and Shane), I did not forget about this blog. I even attempted several times to write something for Sunday and never managed anything all that coherent, but I did feel guilty. While I'm aware that not many people read this blog and the only person who does so regularly is probably my wife (bless her soul, I've managed to convince her I'm somewhat talented at writing, I hope she never wises up to the fact that I'm just making stuff up) I did promise to update at least once weekly. That wasn't necessarily a promise just for whatever readers I may or may not have, but was, in fact, more a promise to myself. I want to write. I enjoy writing and this past year I've spent far more time thinking, reading and listening about writing than I have spent time actually writing. Which doesn't make sense. If I want to write, then I need to write. And so this promise to keep updating this blog is a promise to myself to take time to write.

And so here I am, writing for me. And for you, if you want to read it.

I'm finally getting over the sick, now that this holiday weekend has passed and I'm trying to catch up on things. Set goals for myself and plan for the future. There's a baby on the way, there are student loans that need paid and budgets that need updating. There are things that need to be bought, to be fixed and to be put away. There's so much to do and sometimes it can feel overwhelming and I think we, as people, often forget the most important things in life because of the things that life demands. And so while I will definitely work on those things that need doing, I will also strive to remember the most important thing. And that's to live life. Family, friends and dreams.

Which brings me to this, as you may know, or have probably guessed, one of my dreams is to be a professional writer, preferably an author of fiction. I have, in the past, submitted short stories to literary magazines, but it's been a long time since I've done so. Today I submitted a newer story to an online fiction magazine. I don't expect it to be picked up, but I'm proud that I submitted it. I'll be submitting more in the future. 

Until next time.