New Years!! 2014

It's New Years Eve! Only a few hours left of 2013 and then we enter into the big ONE FOUR!!

Since I didn't really have any plans for tonight I decided to do something new, something I've been thinking about for a long while. I made a video, two actually, and uploaded them on YouTube. The first was a cover of the song Demons by Imagine Dragons and the second, an original song I wrote a few months back. The first song I'd written in almost three years. I stumbled a bit through both of them, but they turned out alright I think. Quality isn't the best, or even very good, but it's not the worst either.

Check them out at the following links

Under the Same Moon - Here

Demons - Here

I plan to continue uploading videos throughout the year, mostly covers, but I'd like to go through and record all of the better, older songs I wrote during and after highschool.

I'll probably have another post up soon about my goals for the coming year.

I'll leave you all tonight with a wonderful new years wish from a few years ago. My favorite, actually.

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before.

Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever." -Neil Gaiman

Where did the magic go?

A few short years ago this time of year filled me with excitement, joy and wonder. I loved Christmas and the holiday season and the way the world looked when covered in powdered snow and complimented by colored lights and the smell of pine. It was like magic. I could feel it deep down.

Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's the truth. There was always magic all around, all year long and I believed all one had to do was look. You could see it in the small and simple things. It was an appreciation of these things, a sort of gratitude towards the small and seemingly insignificant that added the finest details to life's tapestry.

But something changed in between then and now and I find myself wondering more and more often...

Where did the magic go?

Those small things have become harder to notice and truly see. The tiny miracles I enjoyed and pointed out to those close around me have all but disappeared from view.

I know they're still there, I can feel them, but not in the same way. It's a muted and dulled feeling that makes me ache for the one I can't seem to find anymore.

The past couple of years haven't been easy. I've had good times, but mostly bad. I feel like, looking back, I started lying to myself. Telling myself I was happy and where I was supposed to be, but deep down knowing the truth. None of it should have happened. I'd have been much happier, and would be much happier now, if I'd done what I knew I should have. Instead I contented myself and acclimated to my misery, telling myself I was happy all the while..

I guess you could say I have regrets. Not many, and ultimately, I don't think I'd have changed anything because despite all the hardship, drama and heartbreak. All the hurt, lies and denials. In the end, all those choices lead to my son.

I've made mistakes, done things I shouldn't have and because of this I feel, on an almost daily basis, that I'm pretty much just a screw up. I've become someone my younger self would have looked at cruelly and with disgust. I admit I had a problem with thinking I was better than other people. I'm not and life seems to have made a point of teaching me that. Or maybe it was just my self conscious. After all, everything that's happened has been a direct result of my own choices and actions.

But, even having become this person my younger self would have looked down on, I still have hope because when that little boy, my precious son, looks at me with nothing more than love in those little eyes of his, I think to myself, If this little child can love me, then I must be doing something right.

He gives me hope, and trust me when I say that hope is something I need.

Put bluntly, divorce sucks. Mine has been a mutual and very peaceful thing. My ex and I spoke and agreed on terms while I filled out the papers. We both agreed to the split, knowing it was for the best. Neither of us was happy and we both knew neither of us would be. We also knew it wasn't a good place to raise our son. We weren't violent, there wasn't any screaming or yelling or throwing things. It was quite the opposite. Quiet and silent as the grave. We just didn't speak, we grew distant and became strangers. When we did talk it was always to argue. Things became tense and we knew something had to change so we talked and finally admitted what needed to happen.

My divorce being a mutual thing doesn't make it suck any less. It's much simpler and a whole lot less ugly than it could have been, but even after five months it still hurts. Not that it ended that part, surprisingly, doesn't. I think it's because it ended long before we actually split.

What hurts is the loneliness.

And there's lots of it.

Sure, I have my family, who've been so kind, letting me move back in, rearranging bedrooms and even watching my son for me while I work. And then there's my son. If I didn't have him I honestly don't know where I'd be, he's kept me grounded and like I mentioned above, when I start getting a bit too down on myself he's always there to look me in the eye and prove that I've added something beautiful to the world. But, it isn't same as having a friend, a best friend, who's there for you. Who listens and knows everything. It's not having that that hurts.

I'll admit though that I've had that hurt for a very long time. My ex was never really like that, we were great friends but never truly best friends. I got by, pretending and lying to myself but I should have known better, we always get caught in the lie. I did and it was a tremendous heartbreak as the web I spun for myself came crashing down.

I could go on and maybe someday I will. It's a story I'll have to tell someone eventually, in its entirety, because I realize it's something I need to get off my chest. I doubt it will be on the blog though, it's pretty personal, but who knows. Maybe one day it won't bother me to share with the world.

The point I was getting at was, while I've had this hurt for such a long time, it's even more astute now because I don't have a way to pretend it's not there. That's probably good for me, but it doesn't make hurt any less.

The fact that I'm basically friendless (as in close friends), shy and socially awkward haven't helped all that much.

So five months after the split, I'm still lonely and hurting.

I've had a couple of people I know ask if I've started dating again. The answer is no, I haven't.

To be honest I don't really know how to go about it, not to mention I'm not sure I'm ready. Honestly I'm a little afraid I'll meet someone and want to go running into their arms which I don't want to happen, because it'd probably be a mistake and I don't want to screw up my life any more than I already have.

Not to mention the whole, I'm still technically married thing. I'm not really sure how that part works. How long before it's acceptable to date? I guess that's kind of personal though, right? Does it really matter?
My ex has been seeing someone for about a month now and while she's had some grief from some people I don't mind so long as my son is safe.

The fact that several of these people (the ones who've asked if I've started dating yet) seem to have differing opinions on whether or not I should start, seems to confirm the suspicion that it's more of a personal choice.

I guess the answer for me is it'll happen when it happens, maybe next week or maybe years from now. I figure it'll happen eventually, for now I'm just trying to get my life together. Reconnect with some great people from my past and find that magic that's missing.

This post kind of got away from me. It was supposed to be about the magic and joy of life, especially during this time of year. I've lost sight of it and only feel it in muffled, dying dribbles. Everything I talked about above, I'm sure, has attributed to the loss of magic in my life. I'm sure there's more to it as well, but I know it's there I just have to find it again. I think when I do, I'll find that it corresponds quite a bit with just how happy I am in life.

So, I guess I'll just keep moving forward and getting my life put back together. Eventually, I'll get there.

P.S. - I've recently decided to do my best to focus on the positives in life. It's easy to by negative and easily turns into a downward spiral. So I'm doing my best to avoid complaining and just feel grateful. (I have yet to successfully go a full day, but I'm getting there) This post focused on a lot of the bad in my life recently, but it's was thearaputic to write so we'll say it balanced out.

Why don't you join me, make a goal of going one full day without complaining once, about anything! See how goes!

A Good Week

This last week was, by far, was one of the better weeks I've had in quite sometime despite my son being sick with a slight ear infection, which has made him crankier than a crack addicted dragon going through withdrawals, and the fact that I've (comparatively) written hardly anything at all.

I've gotten stuck in my WIP (work in progress) and am unsure of where it's going. After staring at the screen for hours and getting almost nothing done over two days time, I took a short vacation from it and decided to write a short story based on one of the characters. I enjoyed it and learned more about who the character is or rather who they will become as the story takes place after my WIP. Despite not being very long and nowhere near helping me meet my daily word goal, it was fun and somewhat contented the self critical thinking I'm prone to.

I also dedicated some time to playing the guitar, which was immensely cathartic and learned a few new songs. I'm debating whether or not I want to be one of those people, by which I mean just about everyone, and upload videos of me playing them to YouTube. At the moment I'm undecided.

I also had an awesome lunch with my little sister, which I should really try and convince her to do more often, after a small adventure riding Trax where I did nothing, but sit and listen to the audiobook of American Gods. This has done nothing but remind me just how much I love this book and the Tenth Anniversary Edition on audiobook is simply amazing, I wish all audiobooks had full casts. I was so sucked into the story that I actually missed my stop and then headed several blocks in the wrong direction after getting off before realizing what I was doing and where I needed to go.

The week finished off with a Halloween party thrown by my aforementioned little sister and it was a lot of fun. We were all supposed to dress up, my little Bootstrap went as hastily thrown together Daryl Dixon outfit, though without a vest or crossbow. I looked everywhere a friggin' crossbow toy and am amazed that I couldn't find one. I kind of copped out, with no ideas, no time and no money I threw together a costume that was funny and clever and totally not my own idea. A cereal killer. It was a very enjoyable evening, I love when my family gets together because I'm lucky to have them and perhaps even luckier that everyone gets along extremely well.

And last, but definitely not least, and possibly what made my entire week, was reconnecting a bit to an old and very dear friend, one of the best I've ever had, and the person who suggested my costume idea, which may have been more of a joke, but I did it anyways. It was great fun to hear from them and to find out that they are happy and enjoying life.

So it was a good week, probably a great week and I'm pretty content at the moment. Looking forward to this week and hoping it holds something in store.


Bootstrap's costume.

Little Daryl

He started posing as I took the picture haha!

And then me just being my dorky self.

 

'Utah Mormons'

First and foremost I want to make clear that while the topic I’m writing about focuses on people in the LDS (Mormon) religion, it applies to ALL religions and belief systems, whether there is a God involved or not, from faith to politics. Second and maybe more important is this is not an attack of any sort on Mormons, especially Mormons in Utah, or any other faith or belief system.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, commonly known and referred to as the Mormon Church.

I live in Utah and have lived here for the majority of my life. If there are any reading this who are unfamiliar with the state of Utah let’s just say it is predominately Mormon. As such, life in Utah can be a strange thing to behold if you’re from out of state and even more so if you aren’t a Mormon.

The topic I want to address today is one that a friend of mine, who is not Mormon, brought up on Facebook and which immediately received several responses. That topic is the ‘Utah Mormon’.

For anyone in Utah who is not a member of the LDS church, or a former member, often referred to as having “fallen away,” this term is immediately understood to some degree because they have, undoubtedly, crossed paths with a ‘Utah Mormon’.

The term implies that there is a difference between ‘Utah Mormons’ and other (regular?) Mormons and truth be told, there is and it’s a big difference.

While the term ‘Utah Mormon’ seems to imply any Mormon from Utah, this is untrue, because there are many Mormons in Utah who do not share the traits I am about to discuss and there are Mormons outside of Utah who do.

I imagine the term came to life in light of the fact that there is a much greater concentration of Mormons here than anywhere else and because of this there are more people who share these traits, feed off of them and adopt them. You could compare it to a mob mentality, though generally speaking ‘Utah Mormons’ mean well, mostly, but that doesn’t always mean the end result is a good one. To put it more precisely and bit more elegantly, another friend described it as the following, “‘Utah Mormon’ describes a broken social mentality brimming with ignorance, found primarily in [Utah]. Is every Mormon in Utah a ‘Utah Mormon’? No, absolutely not.”

The terminology is unfair, it is a stereotype and unfairness is a defining trait of stereotypes. With that in mind let’s continue.

The original post was, “The difference between Mormons and Utah Mormons: the former accepts and welcomes friends, the latter hopes their friends will someday see the light and repent.”

I agree with this statement and would like to add a bit to it and take it a step further. I believe there are two types of ‘Utah Mormons’.

The first being the type mentioned above.

If you are not a member, or were a member, and you cross paths with a ‘Utah Mormon’, odds are good that they take it as their own personal calling from God to do anything in their power to make sure you convert or return to the church. Or at the very least, they will hope and pray that you do.

I’ve met people like this, I have friends who are like this and you better believe that I have been made a target to these people in the past. To be fair, in the Mormon religion, we are taught to share our beliefs, that “every member [is] a missionary.” I believe there is a big difference between sharing our beliefs and trying to convert anyone who believes differently.

I take issue with this mindset, as does everyone else, including ‘Utah Mormons’. Let me explain why.

Generally speaking, people don’t like or appreciate being told they’re wrong. It’s a pride thing, a human thing. People want to be accepted and liked, no matter what they say or do. It is a very basic attribute. We, being human, are very social creatures. It is in our nature. Even the quiet people, the loners, the bitter and mean, the shy and antisocial all need and crave a certain amount of social interaction and acceptance.

Brazenly trying to convert somebody who isn’t interested may fill a part of that social interaction but I guarantee that the message you are sending to those you wish to convert is anything but acceptance. To be clear, the message sounds more like this, “I’m willing to accept you, but only if you set aside any beliefs that are contrary to my own and accept my religion as the one true faith,”

I know some of you reading this may see that and say, “But my religion is the one true faith,” and this is where I *facepalm* and tell you that you missed the point.

I’m going to throw something out there. People who have a religion tend to believe that their religion is the “one true religion” so telling someone that it isn’t by trying to convince them of the veracity of your own again falls into that whole “you’re wrong” category. This is also true of those who do not have a religion, who may or may not even believe that a God exists at all. They have their reasons for believing what they do, everybody does and those reasons are extremely personal.

These beliefs are so personal that they are often deciding factors for many, if not all, of life’s major decisions. To suddenly tell someone their religion is wrong or that their lack of religion is wrong, whether straight up or more subtly, by pressing them to see the “light” in your own religion is generally viewed as a personal attack.

And why shouldn’t it be?

For me and many others, Mormons as well, this just isn’t acceptable behavior.

I’m willing to bet that ‘Utah Mormons’ have experienced this same thing from people of other faiths and I guarantee that it wasn’t welcomed behavior for them either. Why? Because people want to be respected, they want their beliefs to be respected and because people of other faiths can believe just as firmly in the veracity of their own religion as ‘Utah Mormons’ do theirs. People, of any faith or lack thereof, just want to be loved for who they are, not for someone else’s image of them or potential image.

Now a few words on the second type, the one who’s motives I’ve yet to truly understand, because just about any way you slice it, the end result just isn’t nice.

The second type of ‘Utah Mormon’ is, if anything, almost the complete opposite of the first and possibly more aggressive. Upon discovering you are not of their faith or have fallen away they immediately turn cold. You could have been having the best conversation in the world and suddenly the other person becomes someone else entirely. They may want nothing to do with you, act as though you are beneath them, like they are more righteous than you. Maybe they’re afraid that by socializing with you they are putting their own faith at risk. I don’t know, but people actually believe things like that.

There’s also a good chance that instead of ignoring you, they may say things about certain choices you’ve made, particularly lifestyle choices. They’ll comment on your clothing, piercings or tattoos. The latter two are favorites and easy targets. In the Mormon religion it is taught that your body is a temple, as such you should respect it. Women are allowed one set of piercings in the earlobes, men are not and tattoos are a no-no for just about anybody.

The comments are often made offhand, a jab testing your defenses as if they are looking for a weakness. A place they can sneak in and unleash an almost convert or die tirade. The comments are made in a way that seem innocent enough, like something about not being able to get a job or “you’ll regret that later” or any other number of things and yet, it’s hard not hear the distaste, the disagreement and bile that spreads over their tongue while they do so. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of well meaning people who can say these things without even the slightest hint of negativity, but more often than not, in my own personal experience, this in not true of the majority of those who feel the need make such a comment. I have been amazed, astonished and genuinely surprised by the cruel things that have been said and shared on social media, things lathered and double dipped in “good intentions,” by people I admired and of which I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they should have known better.

For example, my ex wife had facial piercings and was often, in church settings, made a target. Avoided or ridiculed by kind, well meaning people who wanted her to understand that she shouldn’t be that way. She shouldn’t like the things she liked, she shouldn’t think the way she thought and shouldn’t express herself the way she did.

To be frank, it pissed me off. It still does.

But this is not true of everybody. There were plenty of Mormons who seemed to adore her. They enjoyed talking to her, about her piercings and her tattoos. They were fascinated by what they meant and understood that these things were small and insignificant in comparison to whom she actually was and is. They understood the piercings and tattoos did not define her, they were and are, only a small layer of the whole.

I loved these people. Not because we were friends, because we weren’t, we barely knew each other, but I loved them because they were the way all people should be, accepting.

Both types of ‘Utah Mormons’ can blend together at times and this makes sense because in the end they both stem from the same roots, an utter lack of understanding of one of the most basic principles taught in the Mormon religion.

Love one another.

We are taught, from a very young age, to be “Christ-like” and accepting of others.

That is a lesson that for many, doesn’t seem to sink in very well.

A final truth about ‘Utah Mormons’ is that they would never call themselves a ‘Utah Mormon’ or even realize they are one. Just like the saying, crazy people don’t think they’re crazy, ‘Utah Mormons’ don’t think they’re ‘Utah Mormons’.

This post isn’t meant to vilify ‘Utah Mormons’, after all, we’re all imperfect, we all have shortcomings and just because someone acts this way does not mean that they are a bad person. It only means they are human.

I suppose my hope in writing this is to help people, 'Utah Mormons' in particular, be a bit more self aware and encourage them to be more accepting of others and all their differences. 

I hope to see your comments. Please feel free to add what you will; I’m interested in your thoughts, concerns and personal experiences on this topic. I hope to have a bit of a discussion on this. If you have any questions or something to add or discuss, please do so and please share this post with others, so they can also read and share their own insights.

Oh, but let’s all play nice.

Halloween and All Hallows Read

OMG! 

HALLOWEEN IS COMING!!

*ahem*

Now that that outburst is done.

Halloween is fast approaching. Once one of my absolute favorite holidays..

Well, to be honest, in many ways it still is, though for different reasons. I suppose the truth is its less the actual holiday and just the season. An excuse to celebrate all the things I grew up loving and getting weird looks for.

All the dark things, the creepy things and unexplainable things. I've long had a deep seeded love of vampires (non sparkly, thank you) and witches (darker and more macabre than the Hogwarts variety, though I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't absolutely, and remain absolutely, (warning: pun ahead) spellbound by the Hogwarts breed as well). Goblins and ghouls, ghosts and monsters, graveyards and spooky, mist filled nights.

Admittedly, I was always less fascinated by zombies and werewolves and honestly I remain this way, though I do love the Walking Dead. Less for its zombies and more for the interesting story aspect, with characters that have actual, well written, arcs.

Though if I'm honest with you, and myself, my love of this season comes more from the childish side of things. The macabre blended whole heartedly with a heaping dose of laughs and sprinkled with innocence. Remenicient of most things Tim Burton. I'd be lying to you if I said I enjoyed the whole scare your pants off side of it all.

I don't.

I don't like being scared. For me it isn't fun, and is far from enjoyable in any sense of that word. Despite this I've been to my far share of haunted houses and horror movies. Never truly my idea, but a tradition of the masses I somehow find myself as a participant in, not always, but more often than not.

But with Halloween and this season comes a newer tradition I've advocated here on the blog for the last few years.

I love this

All Hallows Read

The idea is a simple one. On Halloween, give someone a book, probably a scary book or a creepy book or a book in the spirit of the season. Or at the very least, just a book.

It's something fun and beautiful. There aren't many things that make me happier than to see somebody reading a book. Reading really is a good thing. It offers us knowledge, expands our vocabularies and allows us to step into other worlds and meet new people and make new friends. Books teach us lessons, not just about grammar or spelling but about life. About emotions and situations and people.

Stories carry morals and sometimes, invaluable lessons. Sometimes stories, books and words, save lives.

Words are powerful, they have meaning and are capable of carrying that meaning straight to ones very core.

Books are gateways. To other lives, states, countries and even worlds and realms. Where magic coincides with people and monsters exist and can be defeated, or sometimes not.

All Hallows Read.

Just another reason to love October.

You can find out more here at the website.

Go ahead, give someone a book this Halloween.

Last years poster and still my favorite

Autumn: The Very Bestest

“Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall” 
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

The air is becoming crisp.

The temperatures dropping (and then hopping back up in that Utah sort of way, never truly wanting to make up its mind about these things) and the leaves on the trees are beginning to turn. It is still mostly green, but those greens are fading to yellows and some reds and oranges are even beginning to peak out as well.

It's autumn.

This is my favorite time of year. Pumpkin flavored everything has invaded full force, taking no prisoners. The complaints and cheers have sounded. Most have taken their side, defending or criticizing the undoubtedly and inarguably over done and over sold idea of having pumpkin in anything and everything you put in your mouth. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, because I like the flavors and it’s a fleeting thing, soon to be lost to the flavors of the coming winter seasons, like peppermint, which I don’t like at all.

It’s the time of year where fresh harvested foods are easy to find, they are comfort foods with flavors for those cold days we all know are coming. Old fashioned recipes to help warm oneself while the wind howls outside, the world quickly changing in that step between summer and winter.

Fresh apple cider and rich hot chocolate.

It is the beginning of cuddle season.

The beginning of hot chocolate hunting, my annual search to discover the store, restaurant or coffee shop with the best, but for now nothing beats that rich flavor I grew up with, the one we got on special occasions as children. Family gatherings and Christmas morning, but Christmas is still a ways off and I don’t take any issue with that fact.

This is my season. Fall.

A time of change.

I’m breaking out the beanies and the hoodies along with the sweatpants I’ve missed since spring got too warm to wear them.

Fall really is the season of comfort from the clothes to the food and the colors. I love spring, and parts of winter, as long as I’m not freezing outside, and similarly I enjoy parts of summer as long as there is air-conditioning somewhere close by.

But Autumn is my favorite and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

The End of the Beast

'The Beast' 1989 Subaru GL

I’ve known this day was coming for awhile now.

The car served me well, often with its frame shaking around me and threatening to turn both of us into a heaping pile of scrap and organic matter spread thin across the highway. Thankfully the old monster liked me and fought harder and longer than it probably should have before finally giving up the ghost.

Farewell, I will miss you dearly…

Until I find something new to drive.

Until then, I’m marching around on foot.

Not complaining though, I could really use the exercise.

Single Parenting

Photo By Becky Green Photography

Wow…

I’ve always respected single parents. After all, they do some pretty heavy lifting, playing the part of both mom and dad. I didn’t ever really think I could do it and I guess in some ways I’m still not sure. I’ve had more than my fair share of help with my son over the last few weeks from my family, who adore the little guy almost as much as I do.

And while I’m sure they’ll always be willing to help out, eventually I’m not going to see them everyday. Soon (I hope) I’ll be out on my own again. That means when my son goes to stay with his mom it’ll just be me and when he comes to visit it’ll just be the two of us. That’s a pretty scary thought.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel confident about my capabilities. I spent a lot of my time as a stay at home dad before his mother and I separated and there was even a time during which his mother was in the hospital where it was just him and I for days on end. I know I can handle him, but it’s still scary.

He’s a lot more mobile now than he was then and is fast approaching toddlerdom (if he isn’t there already, not super certain of that whole transition). Chuck Wendig, an excellent author and creator of the hilariously stupendous blog Terribleminds once wrote a post about his own son where he draws a pretty accurate comparison. He says (of having a toddler), “...every day is like that moment in Jurassic Park where the dinosaurs learn to open doors,” and I think that’s a pretty accurate assessment.

It’s scary to think about, trying to make sure he doesn’t eat any of the children hiding in the kitchen... er, sorry, he’s not actually a velociraptor. He doesn’t eat people…

I don’t think…

I also don't keep children hidden in my kitchen... O_o

Don't look at me like that...

*awkward shuffle*

*coff*

*ahem*

Anywho, I guess what I’m getting down to is this is another aspect of fear, stemming from self doubt and I’m sure what amounts to a fairly normal feeling amongst all parents.

It’s the: I have no idea what I’m doing feeling.

That’s a common feeling, right?

Right?

Only it's doubled, or more, because it's just me while Bootstrap comes to stay. So..

For you single parents out there, single mothers and single fathers, what do you do? How do you do it? I know some struggle more than others. I know that all of you sacrifice and know that some sacrifice more than others. I realize that you do whatever you have to for your children and I know that’s what I’ll do as well. Are there any tips you can offer? Things to avoid? Things to focus on? Not just to help me out as a single father but things I can do for my son to help him with having two single parents and two different homes.

A dash of Fear: Success & Failure

As fair warning this is a bit of a rant. Just a raw flow of thoughts, nothing really concrete. It might not even make a lot of sense; I guess we’ll find out.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I’m very quiet and overly thoughtful. Not thoughtful in the sense of “I think of others and put them first” because to be honest, I’m kind of selfish. There are very few people who I think of first, whose needs come before mine. I don’t mean to be this kind of person, but I am. I’m working on changing that and being a better person. But to get back on track what I mean is I think all the time. I ponder on everything and often lose myself to my thoughts. If I let myself I could be lost in my own head for hours and there are times I’ve done this exact thing, more often than I would like to admit actually. It isn’t very conducive to social settings and it is part of why I’m so antisocial, shy and quiet.

My brain is always going and sucks me in. I space out several times through out the day.

I’m the type of person that wants all the details, all the why’s, when’s, where’s, how’s and who’s. I want to weigh all the options before coming to a decision. I want to know everything and anything I can about something no matter how trivial because for me, I won’t know if it’s trivial or not until I’ve heard it. I want to make sure I know all what all the options are.

I drive some people nuts this way and piss off most of the rest.

But that’s part of who I am.

I evaluate everything.

I analyze all the information I take in.

I think way too much.

I’m working on making my dreams come true, working on trying to make money by doing the things I love to do and the things I want to do. I’m trying to get to the point where I can earn enough to take care of my little boy and do things and go places.

I want to leave my fingerprint on the world. Make a difference.

And when you get right down to it, it’s pretty scary.

Real life is scary.

It’s filled with uncertainties and for someone like me that’s terrifying. Life doesn’t open up and give away all the details and all the possibilities. There are countless outcomes to any given situation and decision. Statistically speaking I’m more likely to fail in my quest to make my dreams come true than succeed.

Life offers no guarantees. It doesn’t promise anything and if it does it doesn’t mean it’ll honor those promises.

It’s funny how fear works. How it can stop us from doing what we otherwise want to do. It often gets in the way. It follows us throughout our lives in many ways. Fear is a constant.

We fear the unknown.

In life, there’s an awful lot of that.

I admire people who can shake that fear away. Some do it easier than others through faith in something greater than themselves or through self confidence, ignorance or just sheer stubbornness. I’m trying my best to overcome fear in all aspects of life, because I hate being afraid. I’m not really talking about the fear you get when lying in bed in the dark after a scary movie or when you think someone is following you on a dark street in an unfamiliar area. It isn’t a fear for your life or anything along those lines.

It’s more a fear of failure. A fear of success. A fear of whether or not I’m capable of achieving what I want and if I do, if I have what it takes to continue doing it.

But I guess I’ll never know unless I do it. So that’s what I’m trying to do. Just go in and do it. I’m trying. A lot of this stuff is new; it’s well outside my comfort zone. Which is hard to step out of, but I’m trying and hoping to see some positive results.

I’m curious about what others do to overcome their fears. Feel free to comment on any type of fear you may have or have had and what you do/did to overcome it. I’m most interested in those fears that involve leaving your comfort zone. Stepping out of your little box of relative safety. Fears of failure. Fears of success. What did you do? How did it go? Did it work?

New found love.. (of poetry)

I’ve very recently discovered that I actually enjoy writing poetry a lot.

This is funny because I used to hate writing poetry.

Literally.

I hated writing poetry. It was okay to read, if it was good, but I didn’t have an appreciation for it.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always loved stories. I loved making up stories, even when I was really little. I didn’t realize it at the time, but all the adventures my G.I. Joe’s and Star Wars action figures went on, all the deaths and heartaches and fighting and betrayals I made them suffer. Those were all stories. Granted, terrible stories filled with plot holes and any other number of problems, but still, they were stories.

And I still love making up stories.

But I had a problem with poetry. I wasn’t interested and more than that I just didn’t get it. I took writing classes throughout school because I wanted to write and get better at writing, but I knew that I’d have to write poetry as well and I groaned every time those assignments came around.

Often I did the very least amount of work possible to earn an acceptable grade, writing complete trash about whatever popped into my mind. I still have quite a few of those papers and poems and frankly, they’re embarrassing.

My teachers would often tell me how much they liked my poems (when I actually tried) and they’d always try to convince me to try harder. My creative writing teacher stopped giving me full points on the garbage poetry I wrote (bless her soul) in an attempt to motivate me a bit more. It didn’t really help.

I remember one of my English teachers tried to get me to enter into a poetry slam the English department had. I had absolutely no interest but agreed anyway. At just about the last minute I back out because I knew my poetry wasn’t really that good and I have a thing about being in front and around people. I spent most of my school life trying to be invisible and I did a pretty damn good job of it.

I was and still am shy, awkward and antisocial. A total wallflower, if you will.

I remember she called me a coward.

It hurt more than I was willing to admit.

Not because it was rude (it was, especially coming from a teacher) but because it was true and I knew it was true.

But I also knew I wasn’t interested. There were some poems I liked. A couple I wrote that I enjoyed writing, but writing poetry felt more like a cheese grater being dragged across my brain.

Until recently.

I heard a spoken word poem by Shane Koyczan.

If you haven’t heard of him you need to YouTube him. Like right now. Because holy amazeballs he is beyond talented. You'll find others have uploaded a lot more videos of his performances than he has, explore a little. I did. I started looking for more of his stuff and then more stuff by other people. I’m still pretty picky about the poetry I like and what I don’t. I guess it has to speak to me. I feel like that’s what poetry should do. Speak to you. That’s what any type of art should do really.

I’m not saying that poems should be one size fits all. Art doesn’t work that way. Not everything is going to touch me, move me or make me feel. But the things that do are pretty amazing and I feel poetry is one of those mediums that, when done well, can reach out wipe away your tears or make you cry them.

When any type of art can do that it’s beautiful.

My eyes were opened to the potential poetry has. I realized that poetry can be another medium for storytelling and as stupid as it may sound that thought just never clicked. I wanted to try my hand it and I did.

I’ve written two poems, both longer than any other poem I’ve ever written. Both pretty personal, filled with thoughts and memories.

I like them.

I don’t know that I’ll ever share them.

Maybe.

I’m very interested in finding and immersing myself a bit in the poetry community. Things like poetry slams or places where people just share their poetry because that’s what they do. I’d like to explore a bit. Listen to local talent.

If you know of anything in Utah, specifically the Salt Lake area, feel free to comment or email me.

Also, what are your thoughts on poetry? Do you have a favorite type of poetry? A favorite poet? Comment and share. I’d love to expand my poetry base by reading and listening to things I haven’t.

A quick thought on Success

Because I love this picture

There are many "rules" in this life. Expectations that are instilled in us from the moment we're born. My last post mentioned in passing what an acceptable career choice is according to said rules. According to society.

This time I want to touch on "success" which is one of the rules that is perhaps most ground into our minds and which is one of the few that many other "rules" revolve around.

Let's start with a question.

What is success?

According to the Miriam-Webster dictionary it is described as follows:

1      obsolete : outcome, result

2 a : degree or measure of succeeding

   b : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence

3    : one that succeeds

I think if asked, most people would probably define it as 2b with a focus on the second half of the definition: the attainment of wealth, favor or eminence part.

Personally, I believe the word "success" is more personal than that. It's a word that one needs to define for oneself. My ideal definition of success would be doing what I love and getting paid enough money to support myself and my son (and possible family in the future) while still being present and a part of my son's/family's life. 

Too many people spend all their time working and too little time with their family. My son is important to me, he means to world to me and I want to be there for him, with him, while simultaneously being able to afford to take care of him. 

I'm not as naive as I sound (or maybe I am, sue me), I understand that making money takes work, work takes time, therefore time = money and that means that there will be time away from family, away from my son. But I also understand that there can be a happy medium if one is both willing to look and work for it. 

Many people measure success on the value of one's material possessions and size of a paycheck. I think it's simpler than that. Success is measured by the happiness you instill in others and, most of all,  your own happiness. I don't need a giant TV hanging on my wall (that doesn't mean I wouldn't mind having one) nor do I need a giant home. I don't need the latest smartphone or tablet or laptop either.

I'm happy being a good father and having a healthy relationship with my son. Caring for him and those I love are what make me happy. I'm working hard to make my dreams come true so I can spend more time with him and the people I care about and I'm working hard to one day earn enough to fulfill my ideal definition of success, but for now I'm perfectly happy with a basic definition. Making my son happy and taking care of him because doing so makes me happy.

The world views success in a very specific light and then labels us each accordingly. According to world, very few of my idols and personal heroes are successful. They don't live in big homes, they don't make millions, they don't show up on the cover People magazine, but if you were to ask them if they were successful odds are they'd say yes, because they're definition of success is their own and nobody can tell them otherwise.

Have you found your own definition of success? If so, what is it? If you've never thought about it, think about it now. Ponder it. What does success mean to you?

My Dream, My Life

There's something very satisfying about realizing what you want to do with your life. The moment you feel and really know what you want, where you want to go and realize you're capable of achieving those dreams.

I have, for a very long time now, wanted to make a living as a writer. Not just a writer but an author. To write books and sell them and earn a living that way. For a very long time I didn't really do anything to bring myself closer to those dreams. I focused a lot on life, but I got caught up in all the "rules.". "Get a real job" and "make real money" and do something that's "worth your time"

I always had a problem with this and I still do. These statements and beliefs are hurtful. They tell me that my dreams aren't valid and that my time is worth more than what I want it to be.

But they're my dreams. The things I love and the things that make me happy. Isn't that worth my time?

When I was little I always had an answer to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

My answer changed several times, flip flopped back and forth a lot as well. Like many little boys I wanted to be a cop, a firefighter, a hero. When I was a little older I wanted to make movies or, still, be a cop. Then I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. (I quickly changed my mind.)

In junior high I started writing and I loved it. I never finished any of the books I started, but it was fun. I wrote and drew short comics and thought, I want to be a cartoonist. (I still wouldn't mind doing that)

In high school I really, truly started to love writing. Short stories, more beginnings of novels I never finished, a short script. I loved to write fiction. I hated writing essays and reports. Despite this I took a journalism class, hoping to improve my writing and learn more. I did.

The question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" was still asked. And it was asked more and more frequently during those years. After all, people were curious about what you were going to study in college, what you were going to make of your life.

I didn't have any plans for life, not really. I was a teenager, focused on getting my work done, writing fiction and songs, playing the guitar and playing videogames. That's all I was concerned about. I became very interested in film (again) and took several classes and worked on several projects with other students. Some of them incredibly gifted and far more driven than myself. They had a passion I lacked, an understanding of something I didn't get. They knew what they wanted or at least knew the direction they were headed.

I was all over the place. I liked everything, but I especially liked to create, though it would be years before I actually realized this. When I was asked what I wanted to be in high school, I had an answer. I wanted to write. I wanted to write books.

The response was always the same.

Ohh, good luck, or have you thought of anything else? or something along those lines. I knew a lot of kids who'd say doctor or lawyer or mechanic or anything else and they'd get smiles and "That's great," or "Excellent choice," or "You'll be very successful,"

Because of the responses to my answer, my answer changed.

I started saying I wanted to work in the film industry or be a musician because I enjoyed both film and music and apparently those were far more acceptable career choices than writing. (Though not as acceptable as, say, the medical field.) It was as if writing wasn't a real career, it was just the dream of someone who hadn't yet woken up to the real world. It was okay to strive to be a musician or filmmaker, but not an author. Never that.

There wasn't a whole lot of support for my dreams and so I kept them to myself.

As I'm sure you know, as a teenager you spend a lot of time soul searching (whether you realize it or not.) You're in a state of constant discovery, especially of self. It's why teenagers often struggle so much, because they're looking for who they are and what they want out of life while simaltaneously being told what's expected of them and how they should live it. It can be confusing.

It was for me.

As a result I was in a constant state of self doubt. My dreams and aspirations were looked down on or mocked and I questioned them often because of it. Were my dreams worth anything? Were they worth chasing? Worth working for?

I never really had an answer for myself. I always suspected that maybe they were just childish fantasies.

I was often jealous of people who had an answer to what they wanted from life, because I didn't know. Not really, not for sure.

Even after leaving high school I was bombarded by critical looks, questions and disbelief if I were to ever express my desire to make it as an author. From my employers to co workers and even friends. They were more supportive, in their own way, but it was often insincere. Polite, but hollow.

It took me a long time to finally decide, yes, this is what I want. Even after I did decide I was filled with doubt. What if all those naysayers are right? It wasn't until just recently that I truly realized that I'm capable of doing this. I can make money writing.

I am making money writing.

It isn't a lot and it isn't my fiction (not yet) but I can say I've been paid to write. Which is pretty cool (for me.) I'm working hard to improve my craft, everyday. Some days are easier than others, some are harder and there are days when I feel like curling up into a ball and hiding under a bed. But I'm working hard and, little by little, I'm seeing results.

Stephen King said, "If you write (or paint or dance or sculpt or sing, I suppose), someone will try and make you feel lousy about it, that's all."

It's a very true statement.

The incredible Amanda Palmer, during her TED talk earlier this year, talked about how people would yell at her to get a real job while she was performing as a human statue. She talked about how, even years later, there are people and comments that make her feel this way.

Being put down is a part of life, it shouldn't be, but it is. The key is to move past the words, the hurt and the self doubt they inspire. In the end you're the only person who will live your life. You have to do what you feel is best. If you have dreams, go for them. Shoot for the stars, the moon or the sun. Don't let the world tell you no.

I finally learned that for myself, it's something we all need to learn for ourselves.

So despite the bouts of doubt I still have. I'm pushing forward and I'm writing and I'm pretty happy about it.

I know what I want and I'm going to get it. Through hard work and determination and, hopefully, a little luck.

Do you have dreams that have been stepped on? Things you've wanted but found little support or help? If so, how did that make you feel? How have you dealt these things? Have you accomplished and achieved your own dreams? Are you still working for them? Or did you stop all together?

Update on Me

I've just laid my son down for a nap, it doesn't sound like he's going to fall asleep although he really needs to, so this will be short and quick. Then off to the park.

Things are looking good. I feel I've accomplished quite a bit in the last week and hope to keep myself moving and productive.

I've hit at least two thousand words a day (except for yesterday) in the novel I'm writing and am loving where it's going and where it's taking me. I've written several articles for content mills and have received payment for them. Not much, mind you, but I've enjoyed the work and am grateful for the experience and especially the feedback.

In addition I've entered one of my short stories into an international writing competition. I'm not expecting to win, but I've still got my fingers crossed and I would love to be able say that I had won. (The prize money would be really cool and much appreciated as well)

I've decided to go back to school and have registered for classes. I've also been approved for financial aid and all I need to do now is figure out my schedule and make sure all my i's are dotted and my t's are crossed. I'm very excited to continue my education.

I've also gotten back in touch with several close friends from Argentina. Facebook and Skype can really be amazing (as well as all social media). I'm very happy to be in contact with them again and hope to one day return and see them face to face. (For those who don't know I'm served a mission for the LDS church in Argentina for two years)

In a nutshell that has been my week. I am now very much enjoying my son and will continue to do so for the rest of the week.

Moving Forward, Today Is A Gift

I, oh, so love this movie.

My wife and I recently separated, as such, it is a topic that people I run into actively (and usually awkwardly) avoid or it’s the first thing they ask me about, these people are either gushing their love and support repeating that everything will work out like some sort of cult chant that they expect me to join in on in order to keep me from throwing myself off the top of a building and down to the streets below, or they simply want all the dirty details. Sometimes these people want both.

The detail desirers are generally disappointed as I only share the most basic aspects of the separation, if I share any. The others only seem to become mollified, to some degree, if I actually do repeat that “everything will be okay,” and so I do, not for me, but for them. They feel better that way. I already know things will turn out, I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be right now and that I’m doing what is needed.

I’m not saying that there aren’t days that are harder than others, or days where I don’t feel utterly alone despite being surrounded by family. My life has taken on a drastic change, this is normal and I recognize that. I also know that nights are worse, because generally speaking, night is when you actually are alone in bed with nothing but your tired mind and your own thoughts and all the what ifs.

But I can’t focus on the what ifs, not the ones that concern my past. The things that have happened have already happened, life becomes simpler and more enjoyable once you can accept that fact and move on. That’s what I’m trying to do. Move forward. Move on. Remembering is okay, dwelling on the past, isn’t. What ifs hold you back, I want to move forward.

I don’t want to be stuck living in my past because living in my past will make me miss the present and I very much want to be living and experiencing my present.

One of my favorite quotes is from DreamWorks Kung Fu Panda when Master Oogwei says, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present,”

It’s a very true and very wise statement.

Today is a gift.

What will I do with it?

What will you do with it?

I want to live my dreams. Some of those dreams feel a little out of reach at the moment, others feel very out of reach but I’ll keep striving to accomplish those dreams so long as they don’t interfere with my child’s well being.

Everyone I talk to seems to feel like I should be depressed, stressed or angry. It seems I’m expected to be having a hard time and to be negative and hating life.

I don’t.

I love life. I want to enjoy it. Just because I’m separated and in the process of a divorce doesn’t mean I can’t do that. That doesn’t mean things are easy, because they aren’t. Change generally isn’t.

But I really can’t complain about my life and at the moment I don’t want to. I have a wonderful family and a beautiful child. I’m working on making my dreams come true so I can do what I love and support myself while I do. I’m fighting to be able to support myself and my son right now.

I’ll keep fighting and I’ll keep moving forward and I’ll continue to focus on those silver linings in the storm clouds for the very simple reason that I want to live and enjoy living. So I’m choosing to enjoy it.

How about you? How are you using today? Do you find that in hard times you can enjoy life? Can you continue moving forward? If so, how do you go about it? Do you have any suggestions for others who find it’s harder to do so? For those of you who don’t or can’t, what gets in the way? What holds you down during times like these?

Change

There have been a lot of changes going on in my life as of late and, not surprisingly, they've leaked over and affected on-goings and projects I've been working on. I decided that it would be a good idea to allow those changes to reflect here on the blog.

I started this blog with the intention of writing about, well, mostly writing. In a way it turned into more of a diary I rarely used. I'd feel guilty about writing posts if they didn't have to do with writing or my current projects, I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I felt like, because I wanted to be a writer, then I should have a blog about writing filled with reflections on the craft.

I felt that way because I'd seen many others do it, I'd read "rules" where it said you needed to it.

What a bunch of garbage.

I love reading, I love reading about the craft of writing, but mostly I love writing and to be perfectly honest, pigeonholing myself into a corner where I felt like I should only be writing about how to write or what I was working on was, to say the least, stressful. It wasn't fun.

So I didn't blog.

That changes now.

I'm going to write whatever I feel like writing. I'll share it with you and you can read it if you'd like. If you enjoy what you read, share. Tell people about it.

As the new introduction to the page states, this is where I'll share an open and honest view of life. That's a broad subject and I'm going to enjoy all of it I can, otherwise, why blog?

I am naturally careful of the things I say and write because I don't like contention, I don't like to offend or upset people, but you know what? I've learned something and it's finally starting to sink in. If you try and please everybody you won't be happy. Just that simple.

So if I have something I need to say, I will.

Though I do promise to avoid attacking others. I won't try and start fights. I won't put up with rude comments. Criticism is welcome so long as it's done in an educated fashion in order to further the conversation or bring up different views. I know people will disagree with me on things. That's okay.

But there's enough negativity in the world people. Let's play nice.

So, what about you? What changes are happening in your life right now? How are you dealing with them?

A Quick Post and Parenthesis

I have decided my life is in dire need of some restructuring. I'm going about setting goals and breaking those goals down into smaller goals, and then those into smaller steps as well. I'm doing so because as of late I've been a bit of a bump on the log. Just kind of there and mostly unnoticed. In other words, a waste of space and air. But I'm tired of doing nothing and feeling like nothing (to be fair I do care for my son, which is a big job and comes with plenty of rewards, but my son is pretty well-behaved, happy and easy to manage (I am INCREDIBLY lucky). Not that he isn't a wormhole that eats up time like rabid, mutant termites eat up wood, because he's a child and he does, but there's a lot of time in the day I could be using for other things and don't. That's what I want to change.)

 I have talked about my personal goals on this blog before. I've decided, for the time being, not to do that anymore. I will keep them secret, keep them safe. (Yes, I went there) And it's because of this.


So I won't share my goals with you fair people anymore, but I will keep you posted on what I'm doing with my writing, health, other projects I'm working on, random bits of whatever, etc. Tomorrow starts it all anew.

Early in the morning I will go for a brisk walk/jog/run (Let's be honest, I probably won't run this time (I haven't done so in quite awhile), but I will be out and about in the wee small hours) to help me prepare for some the goals I've recently set and items that have been added to my bucket list.

I feel like I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow and am currently working on my to-do list, hopefully that will make it less daunting by creating some sort of order.

Until next time. Later!

(Oh, did anyone else notice all the parenthesis in this post? (There's a lot of them.) I even did the whole parenthesis within parenthesis (parentheception? Like that movie (dream within a dream within a (nope, might get lost (stuck inside parenthesis forever? No, thanks!) let's not go there) dream) Inception with Leonardo Di (wait, where am I? Am I out?) Caprio) thing, is that even allowed?)...